Konversations With Kids: And That’s What It’s All About

Christopher is required to read 20 minutes a day. It’s part of his homework assignment. So today he was reading and proudly proclaimed, “There are 175 pages in this book and I’ve read 155 of them! I’m gonna be done soon!”

To which I replied, “So…what’s it all about?”

And then it went like this…

Christopher: “Uh…it’s kinda hard to explain.”

Me: “Really? Because you only have 20 pages left. I would hope you could remember SOMETHING about it.”

Christopher: “Mmmmm…(flips open book and starts flipping pages)….okay…well…the boy and his dad go camping and they are all, like, out in the woods and stuff and then they go back home and his friends all want to know what happened so he tells them that they were attacked by a bear and then he goes to school and a guy says he’s gonna beat him up but really he doesn’t but he just said he was going to and so then, when they are having lunch, the boy tells his friend that he can have his milk but then the schoolbell rings and they have to go to class and the boy forgot his homewrok because they were camping and so the teacher told him if he didn’t get a good grade he wouldn’t pass the test or something like that so then they went to gym and they did the hokey-pokey and the boy was doing it really good and he ended up winning the contest and then after school he saw that guy who was gonna beat him up and so he ran but the guy ran after him but the teacher saw them and so he acted all nice and stuff and then he went home and told his dad but his dad was cooking and so he told his mom and his mom told him to tell the teacher everything and so he said he would.”

Me: “……………………………..” (staring at him)

Christopher: “Sounds good, right?”

Me: “Uh….yep.”

Christopher: “So…how much longer do I have to read?”

Me: “Yeah…I think you’re done. Why don’t you go play over at the neighbor’s house?”

The End

Konversations With Kids: Is Santa Real?

We put up the Christmas decorations today. Part of my “day off for myself” was to get the tree out of the garage and we all chipped in to get the ornaments on the tree. While we were finishing up, daughter hit me with THIS big question as she sat sprawled across the couch watching “The Santa Clause II”…

“Is Santa Clause real?”

And without missing a beat, I replied…“Yes. Santa Clause is real.”

Now some might argue my answer. Some may totally disagree with me. Some might even go as far as to say that I am lying. But they would all be wrong. Santa IS real. And in many ways!

First, let’s get the facts out there right now…there are hundreds of Santa’s all over the world. The name Santa is listed as the first name of over 15 Santa Smith’s listed on Facebook. There were at least 20+ Santa Thomas’ listed and at least 13 Santa Johnson’s. Granted…the name Santa was often a middle name. But the fact of the matter is…there are hundreds of people with the name “Santa”. It’s a very popular name. So on that fact alone, I am not a liar.

Secondly, there are actually 2 towns named Santa Clause. One in Indiana and one in Georgia. So…there IS a Santa Clause. It just happens to be a population.

Thirdly…I WANT to believe that there truly IS a Santa. Not because of the toys and such…but because of the spirit the thought of him gives me.

Every year at this time, I get a sense of…oh I dunno…childish wonder? I remember when I was a kid and coming into the living room and seeing the tree all lit up and all the presents stuffed under it (there were 6 of us. So there were LOTS of presents!). I remember the Christmas parade in our little town and watching Santa ride down the main street, tossing candy and waving at me. I remember living in Phoenix with my girlfriend (now wife) and we didn’t have a Christmas tree so we devised a Christmas table and put all of our gifts under it. I remember the first time we picked out a Christmas tree with Christopher when he was just a tiny tot, but he was smart enough to know which one was the best of the bunch. I have so many wonderful Christmas memories…and all of them are special to me. It would be a shame to not have that Christmas spirit. And for now…I love that my kids both know that the Santa spirit is alive and well in our home.

So for me…yeah…Santa is real. And he always will be. Because every time I see that man in the big red suit and he smiles at me or one of my kids, those memories come flooding back and the magic of Christmas is still very much alive in this adult soul. There really IS a Santa Clause, Ava. And he is always smiling with that twinkle in his eye and ready to make a new memory for you…

Konversations With Kids: We All Do It

Riding home from Christopher’s basketball practice tonight when Ava & Christopher both got a case of the giggle fits. They couldn’t stop laughing and eventually, after about 15 minutes of hysterics, I asked them to calm down. This, of course, brought even MORE hysterical laughing. And then it happened. I snapped. And the entire thing went down like this…

Christopher: *toot*

Ava: (laughing hysterically) Christopher farted! Mommy! Daddy! Christopher farted!

Mom: “Now Ava…”

Christopher: ” No I didn’t…”

Me: “Okay…ENOUGH! Now I’ve asked several times and that’s enough! And just so you know, Christopher, I heard that, so I know you DID do it. And Ava…just so YOU know…everyone does it! Christopher does it, I do it, you do it. Your Mom…well…she doesn’t do it. Bit she’s the only one. And just so we ALL know…everyone has a butt, all boys have a penis and all girls have a vagina. Everyone has one or the other, we all pass gas and we all have butts. There…I’ve said it, it’s all out there and it’s NOT funny. So enough is enough already!”

(silence)

(snicker…stifled giggle…)

Ava: “But it really stinks back here…”

Laughter from everyone in the car. And I wound down the window…

The End

Konversations With Kids: If He Lost His Head…

My son is trying to drive me crazy…I swear!!!

Actually…this ISN’T about a particular conversation. Actually…this is about my son and his head. Because I do believe that if it wasn’t screwed on tightly…he would have no idea where it was. And he would have no idea where to begin to look for it. Or why it was even lost in the first place. Or if he even HAD a head to lose to begin with.

Prime example #1: Walking home from school

There’s a shortcut from our house to his school that leads us into a neighbors yard, through a wooded area and up into a different yard and POOF! We’re at his school. So the other day we were walking home from school and Christopher has his backpack and a sweatshirt. He has the backpack on his back (appropriately enough) and is swinging his sweathshirt to and fro. We enter the woods and there are leaves and branches all over so I have to be careful where to step because I don’t want to fall and kill myself. So I scope out the easiest path through the woods. Once we get to the other side, I look over at Christopher (who has been talking about football the entire time) and he has his backpack on his back…but no sweatshirt.

Me: “Uh…Christopher? Where’s your sweatshirt?”

Christopher: “Huh?”

Me: “Your sweatshirt. You know…that thing you wear to school in the morning to keep you from getting cold?”

Christopher: (Now looking at me dumbfounded) “I don’t know. I thought I had it.”

Me: “You DID have it when we went into the woods. How did you lose it?”

Christopher: “Uh…(looking around at me, then behind him, then at his feet as if the sweatshirt is gonna magically appear)…I dunno.” (shrugs shoulders)

Me: “Well…you might want to head back and see if you can find it. I don’t think your mom will be happy if you leave it behind.”

Christopher: “Okay…” (And he trudges back into the woods)

So I wait a for maybe 30 seconds and I see him kicking some leaves aside. Now…if he thinks that I am gonna wait for him to kick aside piles of leaves all afternoon looking for something that should be directly in his line of sight he’s crazy. Or he’s totally lost his mind. Either way, I trudge back into the woods, glance about 30 feet in front of him and say…

Me: “It’s right there.” (As I look directly at it)

I swear to you, that boy turns and looks directly in front of his feet and says to me…

Christopher: “Where? I don’t see it.”

Without even LOOKING anywhere! Are you KIDDING me?!?! What is going on in his brain? Is there a switch that has been turned off that needs to be flipped? Because here lately, I do believe there are some bulbs that need replaced. He has gotten almost to the point where I don’t even know what to say half the time. Did I do this when I was his age? Tthis kind of interaction drives me BONKERS!

Where?

Gee…I dunno…maybe…like…RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!!!???  AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

The End

Konversations With Kids: The Greatest Book…EVER?

So my wife picked up some books for the kids over the weekend. Guess they were having a sale somewhere and she allowed them to pick out 3 books each, no matter the topic, on anything that they would want to read about. Ava picked out a book about a multi-colored elephant and some books with princesses. Christopher picked up a book on the human body, a book about a boy & his dog and then THIS book…

Yes. Walter The Farting Dog Goes On A Cruise.

Now…I’m not up on my children’s books as much as I used to be, but I’m pretty sure there was no such line of books when I was a kid. That being said…it was an interesting read. Funny though…I remember not too long ago when I used to be the one reading the books. Now Christopher is reading to me! And the story went something like this…

Christopher: “Blah, blah, blah…and the dog farted.” (giggle)

Turn page.

Christopher: “Blah, blah, blah..look at these people dad (pointing at pictures). Aren’t they funny looking? ‘And then the dog farted.’” (snort)

Turn page.

Christopher: “Blah, blah, blah…look at the fart smell dad! (pointing at picture of dog farting) I bet THAT stinks! (giggle) ‘And the dog farted.’”

Turn page.

Christopher: “‘Blah, blah, blah…and then the dog farted.’ I bet that boat was smelling pretty bad by the time the trip was over. Don’t you dad?” (giggle)

Turn page

Pttttttth…

Me: “Christopher…did you just…”

Christopher: (laughing hysterically) “Yeah…I farted!”

The End

Konversation With Kids: You’re Goin’ To Disneyland!

My niece, Bobby, is going on a field trip. She is very excited because this year, for her trip, she and her class get to go to…

wait for it…

Franfort, KY.

Now…I’m cool with Frankfort. I got nothing against the Kentucky capitol and I am assuming that the field trip planners of her school must have a museum visit set up and who knows what else actually happens in Kentucky’s heartland.

And as we sat there listening to her talk about this trip (me, my kids, her mother and her grandmother) she told us all about how excited she was. And why was she excited? Not because they get to travel and see a different city. Not because she gets to have fun times with her class. No…she’s excited because she and her class get to ride on a charter bus!

With a bathroom!

Veeeery cool. So when Bobby told is of this revelation, I HAD to be a smartass. And this is the conversation that followed…

Me: “So you get to go to Frankfort on a bus with a bathroom, huh? Veeeeery cool. You should try peeing on a moving plane. Not an easy task!”

Bobby: “Yeah! It’s gonna be great!”

Christopher: “Maybe my class will get to go there too!”

Bobby: “I don’t know. You live in a different school district. I don’t think you’ll get to go to Frankfort.”

Christopher: “Why not?”

Bobby: “I don’t know. I just don’t think you do.”

Me: “It’s true Christopher. You don’t get to go to Frankfort. I looked it up and apparently YOUR school district gets to go to Walt Disney World.”

 

*silence*

 

Grandma: “Really?”

THE END

Konversations With Kids: The One Where We Talk Football

On the walk to school today, Christopher told me about his football practice last night. I couldn’t go because I was working, so I asked him how it went. His coaches have been moving him around to different positions. And so then it went down like this…

Me: “So how was practice last night? They put you back at quarterback?”

Christopher: “No. I played a different position.”

Me: “Oh yeah? Where are they playing you now?”

Christopher: “Well…they had me playing cornerback. Which I like.”

Me: “Good!”

Christopher: “And I was also playing…uh…what’s the 2 positions in the back?”

Me: “Safety?”

Christopher: “No…in the back.”

Me: “Are you talking on defense?”

Christopher: “No. I mean yes. In the back…”

Me: “Well…there is the free safety and the strong safety.”

Christopher: “No. The other back.”

Me: “On offense? Are you talking about a running back?”

Christopher: “No.”

Me: “The Halfback?”

Christopher: “No.”

Me: “The Tailback?”

Christopher: “No…I don’t know.”

Me: “On offense BEHIND the quarterback…right?”

Christopher: “Yes. Back in the back. Behind the quarterback.”

Me: “Uh…a Fullback?”

Christopher: “No. I don’t know. Forget it.”

Me: “Are you lined up BEHIND the quarterback. You’re not talking a Wide Receiver are you? They guy that catches passes?”

Christopher: “No. The 2 guys BEHIND. In the back…”

Me: “Well ya got me bud. There are only guys who are running the ball behind the quarterback usually.”

Christopher: “Maybe it’s Linebacker?”

Me: “That’s defense.”

Christopher: “Oh. What was that first one you said?”

Me: “Uh…which one?”

Christopher: “That first one behind the quarterback.”

Me: “The Running Back?”

Christopher: “Yeah. That’s it…I think.”

Me: “Did you like it?”

Christopher: “Yes. But is he one of the guys in the back?”

Me: “Hey! Look at those birds in the sky….”

THE END.

Konversations With Kids: I’m Not REALLY Hungry But…

So THIS chat fest went down here in our kitchen a few minutes ago…

Mom: “Christopher, your camp starts in 40 minutes. If you are hungry you have to let me know or else you can eat AFTER you’re done.”

Christopher: “I’m not really hungry.”

Mom: “Are you sure? I don’t want you to get there and realize that you are and then not have any energy.”

Christopher: “Yeah. I’m sure. I’m not really that hungry.”

Mom: “Okay. Well…you have about 20 minutes.”

Christopher: “Well…I’m not REALLY hungry. But I am thirsty.”

Mom: “You can get yourself a drink.”

Christopher: “But I’m not REALLY hungry. But maybe a little bit.”

Mom: “Okay…”

Christopher: “How about if I get something to drink. And some cake?”

Mom: “Uh…no.”

The End

Konversations With Kids: I Have No Idea What She Is Talking About

Morning fresh!

8:45am. Christopher has a basketball camp in 15 minutes. We are scrambling to get him out the door. But the television is on and the boy has no focus when the boob tube is set on Cartoon Network. Throw in some Pop Tarts and grab him a water. Got his shoes on and are just waiting for the gooey Tarts to pop.

Steph: “Did you brush your teeth?”

Christopher: (furrowed brow) “But I haven’t eaten yet?”

He looks at me and I look at him and then I look at Stephanie.

Steph: “Well…you’re not going anywhere until you brush your teeth. You have to brush the morning off of them.”

Christopher looks at me with his mouth open. I look at him and then at my wife. She has her hands on her hips.

Me: “Ummm…better go brush off that morning stuff, dude.”

He turns and heads towards the bathroom. I turn and look at my wife…

“Brush the morning off them? What does THAT mean?” (begin giggling)

Steph: “Don’t start with me…”

Konversations With Kids: Ooooh…The Pain!

Firepower my butt!

Recently, my wife signed my son up to play pee-wee football for a local team. Needless to say, Christopher is very excited! He loves football and with the Steelers and his high school team winning championships this year, he can’t wait to put on some pads and make some tackles. And I am excited for him, but the one thing that needs to be noted in all of this is…Christopher is a wimp. Not that he can’t rough-house with the best of them. But you give the kid a scratch and he’s whining and needing a bandaid. So with THAT in mind…here was a conversation between Christopher and his mother this morning as he was getting ready for school.

Mom: “Gotta put some sunblock on for school today, buddy.” (She starts putting it on his legs)

Christopher: “Okay Mom.”

Mom: “You’re gonna be in the sun most of the day during your field trip, need to be protected from those harmful UV rays!”

Christopher: “Okay Mom.”

Steph continues to put sunblock on him when…

Christopher: “OUCH!”

Mom: “What? What is it?”

Christopher: “I have a scratch on my arm. OUCH! That hurt!”

Mom: “What? Putting sunblock on it?”

Christopher: “Yeah! That REALLY hurts!”

Mom: “Seriously Christopher? If you are THAT sensitive, you’re gonna be in BIG trouble once football season rolls around. Toughen up there Sally…”

Christopher looks over at me and I’m laughing at him. Then he starts laughing also. Kids…

They’re so silly. And apparently very sensitive to sunblock…

Konversation With Kids: 5 Days Of School

She may have curls, but she’s no dumb blonde!

My kids were sitting at a table with friends, ready to eat dinner the other evening. A buddy of mine was asking Ava & Christopher questions about school. One of his questions to Ava went as so…

Friend: “So Ava. Do you like school?”

Ava: “Yes! We have do lots of works and I like Teacher Lisa and Teacher Valerie and Teacher Greta.”

Friend: “That’s great! So you’re not ready for summer vacation yet?”

Ava: “No. I like my school.”

Friend: “So how many days left until your summer break, Ava?”

Ava: “5 days.”

Friend: “Oh yeah? And then what?”

Ava: (pausing to think) ….. “Ummm…Four?”

Friend: “Yeah. That makes sense!” (cue laughter from all the adults at the table)

The End

Konversations With Kids: Mother’s Day

Would YOU let this little girl buy you jewelry?

Mother’s Day is Sunday and I decided to take Ava out to get her mother a gift for that very special day. I kind of knew what I could get Steph so I figured I would “prod” Ava in that direction. After telling Ava that she needed to get her mother a gift, I went and started getting ready to go shopping. When I returned, Ava was wadding up something in a piece of paper. The conversation then went like so…

“Ava, you ready to go? Got your shoes on?”

“Where we goin’ Daddy?”

“I told you already…we’re going to go get your mom a Mother’s Day gift.”

“But I already got her one.” (wadding something up in a piece of paper)

“Um…what ya got there honey?”

“A gift for mommy. I’m a good wrapper, aren’t I daddy?”

“Yeah hon…that’s great. But we have to go shopping to get mommy something.”

“Okay…we can do that too, but I already got her something.” (still wadding)

“Hmmmm…and what is this gift that you got her already in the 5 minutes that I’ve been out of the room?”

“If I tell you, you can’t tell her, okay? It’s a secret.”

“Sure…no problem. I promise not to tell.”

“Promise?”

“Promise.”

“It’s a rock.” (now wrapping a little necklace around it)

“A rock? Like from outside?”

“Shhhh…don’t tell her! It’s a secret!”

“Oh…I promise I will NOT be telling your mother about that one! You go right ahead and give her that gift! I’m sure she will just LOVE it!”

I LOVE my daughter! And I can only hope that when Father’s Day rolls around, Steph doesn’t let her wrap MY gift…LOL

Konversation With Kids: It DOES Stink!

Last night for dinner, my wife made pork roast, sweet potatos, salad and asparagus for dinner, which promptly sparked a discussion on how it makes your pee stink. This, of course cracked up my son, who now automatically laughs at anything that has to do with pee, farts, butts or weenies.  So this morning, Christopher came downstairs to get ready for school. He went to the bathroom as I went to get the morning paper (yes…I am SO old school…) and afterwards, it went a little something like this…

Christopher: *giggling to himself as I walk into the kitchen*

Me: “What are you laughing about, silly dude?”

Christopher: “Oh….nothing…”

Me: “What did you do? Did you fart?”

Christopher: “No…but something like that…”

Me: “Ooookay…”

So I pour me a glass of coffee and go to get him a bowl for cereal…

Christopher: “Guess what?

Me: “What?”

Christopher: “It’s true.”

Me: “What’s true?” (as I take a sip of coffee)

Christopher: *giggling* “It DOES stink!” (laughing out loud)

Me: *snorting coffee through my nose* “It DOES, doesn’t it!”

Christopher (somewhat disappointed): “I thought maybe it would be green…but it wasn’t.”

Both of us laughing this early in the morning. What a great start to the day…LOL

A Trip To The Mouse House (A Father’s Lament)

Pooh on you!

Sunny Florida. A wonderful trip to see Mickey and all his friends in the warm sunshine. Life is all good. Right? Well…of course it is! However…and I need to tread gently here…I have to say, as a father and husband who loves his family very much, a vacation to Walt Disney World is really not a whole lot of fun for the parent people.

This isn’t a stretch for most parents, right? I mean, I’m not the only horrible parent out there who thinks this, right? ‘Cause if I am…I’m gonna feel like a major ass-munch. But let me go on record, before I get into the meat of this blog, that I DID have fun with my family in Florida. And there were lots of laughs! And there were some great memories! However…I got issues. So in no particular order…here they are…

• People are freakin’  rude as hell at WDW. I mean, at one point, my wife and daughter were almost run over by a pack of teenage girls at the American Idol Experience! Seriously? And not an “excuse me” or “sorry” was ever uttered by anyone except for 3 people (that I remember).
• The bus schedule sucks. We waited at least 35 minutes 4 times for a bus to either come by our hotel (New Orleans Riverside) or to pick us up from the park. Why is that?
• Where the hell did all the characters go? Last time we were at the park there was one around every corner! This time? Ummm…nothin’. Unless you go pay a small fortune for a meal where the characters visit your table (we did 2 of them)…then you can’t get a bite down because it’s one photo moment after another! Yeesh…
• The Florida sunshine? Not so much. It rained pretty much every day except the day we left. And that day it was beautiful! Yay!
• What is with all the crap at WDW? Everywhere you look there is all this crap at eye level so the kids can touch and grab and possibly break. Tell you what…here’s what I think about the “You break it, you buy it” rule…YOU put it within a 4-year old’s reach, you can bite me. ‘Nuff said.
• And lastly…is there ANYTHING as annoying as THIS…?

“Can we go swim? I’m tired. Can I go pee? I have to pee. I really have to pee. Can we ride that again? High five. Down low. Too slow! Can we go swim? I want to go back and swim. Can I buy that? That is COOL! Can YOU buy that for me? It’s hot. Can we go swim? I don’t like this ride. Can we get off? I don’t like princesses. I don’t want to put my arm around her. I’m embarrassed. I have to go pee…again. Can I go splash in the fountain? I’m hungry. I’m thirsty. Can we get a snack? I want ice cream. I don’t. I want to go to the pool. Yay, it’s raining! Can we go swim? Daaaaaaaad…are you listening to me? “

“Alan! Answer your kids!”

Repeat 578 times.

Ok…that’s out. Now…on to better memories and pictures!!!

Rock Collecting Dance Instructor

My instructor…with a box of rocks.

The imagination of a 4-year old has no boundaries. And to watch a child play with such abandon is such a joy to watch. Today, my daughter went outside to collect rocks. And, of course, once I went out to check on her, I HAD to play also. And what are we playing today? Dance instructor…who collects rocks. Of course! So…Ava proceeded to goad me into being a dance student in our driveway. If I performed the dances EXACTLY the way she instructed me too, I could put a rock in the box! And that was my reward…I guess.

So here is how this all went down…

“Hi. My name is Lisa. I am your teacher today.”

“Hi Lisa. How are you?”

“Fine. Today you are learning how to dance like this.”

“Okay. That doesn’t look so difficult.” (I proceed to do it)

“Okay…now do this!”

“Is this right?” (I stand on one leg)

“No.”

“Why? What am I doing wrong?”

“Your leg isn’t high enough in the back.”

“Well…that’s as high as my leg will go!”

“Then you won’t get to put a rock in the basket…”

“Guess not.”

“Are you sure you can’t get your leg higher? Like this…” 

“Nope. Can’t do it, Teacher Lisa. Sorry.”

“That’s ok. You can still put a rock in my basket. Did you know 5 + 5 equals 10?”

“Uh…yep. That I did know.”

“Okay. Now let’s learn skipping!”

So we skipped. 

It was a beautiful morning made even better by the smile on my daughter’s face. I love days like these…