A Day Without Facebook

Today I am taking the day off from Facebook. Anyone who is my friend on said application knows that I am a consistent “status update” kind of guy. I do it possibly 6-10 times a day. Now you would think that because I update my status so much that I would just Twitter and be done with it. However I find Twitter to be…I dunno…impersonal? All of the people on Facebook are my friends. Not that the few followers I have on Twitter aren’t my friends, but everyone on Facebook who hasn’t hidden me yet are DEFINITELY my friends or coworkers or people that I have met or want to meet or whatever. And I assume that they find my updates to be amusing. And I can be creative on Facebook. I can’t seem to find anything I want to Twitter about because it seems that all of my friends are on Facebook. And even my friends on Twitter know that I don’t tweet(?) that often so they don’t even look for me there anymore (right DL?).

So anyway…today I’m going Facebook-less. And so far I’m not missing it. As a matter of fact, I’m getting a lot done! I’ve done my banking, had some breakfast, set up the Christmas tree, done some packing for the weekend and now I’m gonna write some blogs and then make a trip to the store for some shopping before I get the kiddies from school and then start our Christmas decorating! It’s been nice not updating my status every 30 minutes or so.

But truth be told…I do kinda miss all my friends.

Now…I wonder if they miss me?

The Local Enigma

In the small town where I live, there is a man who I have never been able to talk to. He’s an older gentleman and I see him frequently walking the sidewalks of our town. He sometimes has a cane. Sometimes he carries a backpack. But no matter when I see him, he ALWAYS has a book. And he is usually head down, focused on his book. He never pays me any regard (which I do not believe to be rude. It’s just his way.) but on occasion he has seen me and nodded hello. And that’s it.

So I have to say that my curiosity has been piqued. Who IS this guy? What has he done in his lifetime? Why does he walk & read? Does he have a lot of money (because in MY mind, the guy is a millionaire who got bored with his job and retired and has done nothing but read every book he can get his hands on for the last 20+ years). Why doesn’t he just DRIVE to wherever he’s going and then pull up a bench? What’s up with the cane?

So many questions and so little time. But he is a constant here in my ‘burg and I think it’s kinda cool to have that one enigma walking around, always keeping me curious. I’m sure there are a lot of people who know his story. But I have to say…I kinda like NOT knowing. It’s not that I don’t WANT to know. It just makes him seem so much cooler that I don’t know. Know what I mean?

So keep on walking there, Mr. Book-Reading Walker Guy. Maybe someday we’ll meet and chat and I’ll know your story. But for now…I’ll just give you a slight nod “Hello”, watch you walk on by and remain a stranger. After all…someone who is mysterious and unknown is sometimes much better than someone who has it all out in the open…right?

You Paid How Much For What?!?

That IS some good-lookin’ hair…

Reading the paper this morning and I came upon THIS little news flash…

Apparently there was an auction of Elvis Presley’s stuff in Chicago (how much crap did that guy own anyway?!?) and someone actually paid $15,000 for a clump of his hair.

Seriously?

Aaaaand I got nuthin’…

The Long & Winding Road

I own a Garmin. It’s like a Tom Tom. Which is to say it’s a GPS. Which is to say that the damn thing should know how to get EVERYWHERE…doncha think? But today…it didn’t. Today it took me and my wife through the rolling hills of Kentucky. As beautiful as it was, I would prefer to have THAT extra 40 minutes of my life back. But as we were driving through the rolling hills I got thinking…

Why?

Why are the roads out in the country so twisted and curvy? I mean…there’s NOTHING out here! So…when time came to pave a new road…who actually drew up the plans and decided to make it curve and twist all over the freakin’ place? If there’s nothing in the way, why not just make the road straight. You know…like the easiest way to get from Point A to Point B? In a STRAIGHT line? But instead I wasted a quarter tank of gas stepping on the gas and then stepping on the brakes and then curving up a hill and then winding down a hill…and for what?

THERE’S NOTHING OUT HERE?!?!

So to whoever is building roads in the middle of nowhere America…all I can say is this…

Straight is better. Point A…here. Point B…there. Straight line? Gets me there everytime.

Thanks for listening…whoever you are Mr. Road Maker.

I’m A 2 Star Blog With 5 Star Potential

Why only 5? Why not 12?

I started playing around with WordPress the other day (because I had nothing better to do and I was all caught up on reading my friends’ blogs and doing all the OTHER stuff that fills my days) and found that I could actually allow people to give me a Star Rating on each individual post. I didn’t know I could do that! So now it is up to you…

1 Star = I suck big time and I should give it up.

2 Stars = This blog had so much potential but missed it by thaaaaaaat much.

3 Stars = Not bad, but I obviously missed a critical point in the storyline and you have no idea what I am talking about.

4 Stars = Nicely done. Well organized and thoughts were written coherently. Also a couple of funny moments that wrapped the story up neatly and without ambiguity.

5 Stars!!! = I am awesome.

So whaddayasay? Do I have what it takes to survive in this dog-eat-dog blog world? Or is this site another Cracker Jack site with the occasional cool prize but usually they all suck and are thrown away 3 minutes after they fall out of the box?

I give my brother 5 days before he finds this and marks every story with a 1 star rating…

Ramblings From A Round World

I don’t have a coherent thought in my head right now, so I figured I would just put together an “overall thoughts” blog (like so many of us do) to entertain those few of you who actually stop by here from time to time…

1. Seat Belt Car Alarms
Seriously…I have enough people in my life, from kids to co-workers, who boss me around, the last thing I need is my car yelling at me. So why do the car companies continue to install those damn alarms that continue to go off until I buckle my seat belt? I’m an adult…I’ll buckle up when I’m good and ready! You stupid car horn! I can’t concentrate on my texting/eating/talking on the phone/fixing my hair/changing the station/driving while you’re making that godawful sound! Damn alarms…

2. Forgotten Items
Why is it when I go to the grocery store I can’t just bring a pen? Because my wife hands me a list and I walk down aisle after aisle grabbing stuff on the list except for that ONE item that I totally missed and now I gotta go back to aisle 2 when I’m in aisle 15. So now I have to swim upstream past everyone to get to that item! Damn lists…

3. My Daughter
I love her dearly but seriously…I have no idea what she is talking about half the time. When I take her to school, I listen to her the best I can but mostly it’s just her talking about whatever random thing pops into her noggin and I can’t keep up. For example…today…

Ava: “Daddy…did you know that Michelle and Thomas go to the same school? I don’t think they are in the same class though. I think they are in different classes with different teachers. Who is older? Michelle or Thomas?”

Me: “I’m not sure, honey. I think Michelle. But I don’t know.”

Ava: “Well…who was born first?”

Me: “Well if I knew that I would know who is oldest…right?”

Ava: “Yeah…but I still don’t know who is oldest. If I knew who was oldest I would know they aren’t in the same class but they still go the same school…right?”

Me: “Uh….(long pause)…I think so?”

After 2 or 3 more conversations like that, my brain is mush for the rest of the day.

4. My Wife’s Memory
I think I must be losing my mind because my wife can remember just about every detail of her childhood where I remember almost nothing. Today she told me a story about something that happened to her in the 3rd grade. The THIRD grade. I can’t remember past 2 years ago…let alone what happened when I was 8. Is this a guy/girl thing? I mean…I try to remember what I was doing in early September in the 3rd grade and all I can come up with is an empty part of my brain where there is a monkey sitting in a room who is looking at me and eating a banana. Is that weird? Stupid memory…

5. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
My friend Kim sent me an email with some funny “Random Thoughts” which could have very well been written by myself. I know at any given time I have THOUGHT these things but didn’t have a pen to jot them down with (hence the need for a pen at the grocery). There were so many funny ones that I HAD to share because I’m friendly like that. Here are a few that I thought pertained to me pretty well…Enjoy!

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.

The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.

I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

Lol has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?

MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.

I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous?  Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection.

“Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that? (See above story)

Aaaaaand…that’s all I got. Enjoy your Tuesday everyone! (I hate Tuesday…)

When Someone Cries Murder…

Sitting outside a bar last night in New York City with a couple of friends. Nice evening, kinda quite on the west side in Greenwich Village. I’m drinking a Stella at the White Horse Tavern, the famed bar haunt for writers and artists of the 1950’s & 60’s. Great writers such as Jack Kerouac & Hunter S. Thompson drank their fill there and Dylan Thomas used to drink there before he died of causes unrelated to alochol consumption (so they say). Needless to say…it’s a famous place. So anyway…my buddies & I are sitting there and from the apartment building across the street we here a faint voice calling…

“Murder….murder…..”

At first we didn’t think anything of it. But then more people who were sitting outside heard it. And then it got louder.

“Murder…murder….”

Eventually everyone was looking up at the building and wondering what the deal was. And soon enough more than one person was up out of their chair and calling 9-1-1. I was not one of those people.

Eventually 2 squad cars, an unmarked police car and an undercover taxi cab pulled up. About 7 officers entered the builiding. For about 15 minutes we sat, sipping our beers, chatting with those around us and waiting to see what the deal was. Eventually all of the officers came back out of the building and left.

And that was it.

No crazed psycho killer on the loose. No murder of passion. No shots ringing into the cool but humid New York evening. It was quiet once again and everyone went about their business.

Weird stuff, huh?

And only in New York City….

I Got No Taste

I know, I know…I have a terrible fashion sense. But this post has nothing to do with my lack of color coordination. Actually…this is all about my actual sense of taste. Apparently I have lost it. I think it might have been the combination of drugs that I took last weekend when I was in Canton. I got this horrible head cold and my nose was running and my sinuses were draining and my head was ready to blow and so I took meds. Not illegal meds…just the over the counter kind. And apparently they have totally ruined any sense of taste that I might have. Because honestly…everything tastes like chicken. Well…not really. Actually everything DOES taste the same, but it’s all very bland and non-descript. So even spicy foods taste kinda blah. Nothing. And it’s weird.

And to add to that, I am still getting dizzy whenever I lay down or sit up in bed and you have the makings of what many consider to be a sinus infection. But aren’t sinus infections painful? Because I’m not in any pain or anything. I just have no taste and I am getting dizzy.

Maybe I’m developing blonde roots?

I dunno…

Rain, Rain, Go Awa…Ah For Crying Out Loud…ENOUGH ALREADY!

I don’t know about where you live, but it seems like it has rained here every other day since mid-June. I can’t get anything done! If I want to mow my yard (like today), it rains. When I want to clean my garage (like last week), it rains. When I want to pick weeds out of my flower beds (never), it rains. WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON?!?!

It’s gotta be global warming. That’s all I can think of. Because in the last 10 years (and my mind doesn’t really go back any farther than that. Ask my wife.) I can’t recall there EVER being this much liquid dumping from the sky. And I DO mean dumping. Last week, for example, it rained these huge raindrops not once or twice in one day. Noooo…just to make sure that everything got completely swamped, Mother Nature decided to dump 3 HUGE rainfalls on us. It was so much water that my kids’ toys were floating on our deck. I think I saw an ark drifting down our street! It got to the point where when my wife had to go to Target (because I think she has scheduled appointments there every day at 2pm) she had to take a snorkel! It has, quite literally, gotten ridiculous.

So now it’s Tuesday (my LEAST favorite day of the week. I’m starting a “I Hate Tuesday” petition. Anyone want in?) and my yard needs to be mowed and I’m gonna be going out of town for a few days and now it’s gonna have to wait. So this means when I get back, it’s gonna be a jungle out there. Literally. I’m gonna have to break out my hatchet and a combine to get through the high grass and then I’ll have to bring in a herd of cows to eat all the cuttings because otherwise my trash guys will revolt and picket my house and I really don’t want THAT kind of aggravation.

*sigh*

Why, Mother Nature? Why do you torture me so? Why can’t every day bring sunshine and happy times? Instead, you burden me with thunderstorms and rain showers and…LIGHTNING?!?! HOLY CRAPOLA!!! THAT was a big one!

Okay…gotta go!

Today I Got PMS

Ever just have one of those days. You know the kind…you can’t get motivated. People make ya irritable and anything anyone says is misconstrued as an insult? Yeah…one of those days? Well…that’s me today. Dunno why. Could be weather related. Could just be lack of sleep. Maybe money stress? Who knows. All I know is I gots it and there’s no telling why. It always just sorta comes out from behind a tree and smacks me in the back of the head for no good reason. Is it male PMS? Or is it something else?

I dunno.

But don’t get in my way…’cause I’m feelin’ stabby…and that’s never good.

And that’s it.

Right Is The New Left

…RIGHT?

I drove 7 hours to Memphis on Friday. Then drove 7 hours back to Cincinnati on Sunday. And I’m starting to realize something. I know I have discussed driving here on this blog before and I admit that I can get a little out of sorts when it comes to other people driving on the road. But here is what I have discovered in the last 3 days…

Right is the new left.

Remember when you wanted to pass someone? Well…I do. You could turn on your turn signal, merge over into the left-hand lane and drive past them? I used to do it all the time. I am one of those people that generally drives around 9 miles over the speed limit. It’s what I do. So I used to be able to pass those going the speed limit or driving a little slower. But I’ve noticed a growing trend over…say…the last 10 years. The trend is that everyone now drives in the left-hand lane. They drive the speed limit or less and never seem to leave that lane. Now I don’t know when this change came about, but I could swear that I used to get into the left-hand lane to ONLY to pass other cars. I never did it to drive casually to my next destination. THAT was reserved for the right-hand lane. But apparently that has changed and no one called to inform me.

Honestly…I don’t care WHAT lane is the slow lane and the fast lane. I just wanna know which one I should be in when I want to drive like a maniac a little over the speed limit so I can get to where I am trying to go. If YOU want to drive in the left-hand lane while on your cell phone/texting/applying makeup/eating/zoning out/smoking/diddling yourself/(enter other activity here), feel free to do so. But we need to get the rules out in the open because it’s starting to piss me off when I am trying to get around you and you are cruising along, not paying attention, just passing the time in what USED to be the fast lane. But now it is apparently NOT the fast lane…but no one TOLD me that that rule had changed! So now I’m confused.

So could someone PLEASE clear this up for me. And listen up everyone because the rules are whatever YOU come up with. I seriously don’t care WHICH lane is the fast lane. I just want to know which one is which. So here’s the deal…which lane is the passing lane on an interstate? Because obviously it has either changed or people are just being fu&%#ing IDIOTS and are driving with no good reason in the damn PASSING LANE!!! And if that is the case, I’m gonna be really pissed off because I have been passing on the right-hand side and feeling all discombobulated and wondering what the hell was going on but everyone else was driving in the left-hand lane and they won’t get out of my way so apparently something is amiss.

So left? Or right? ‘Cause I’m driving 5 hours today and I’d really like to be able to pass your slow ass and not feel bad about it. Thanks…and happy driving!

If You Have 5 Minutes…

…this is HYSTERICAL! I thought this song was stupid in the 80’s…but this takes it to new heights of stupidness! Check it out!

 

What the effing crap?!?! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

You Might Not Know Me But You’re My Friend Anyways…

Do You Know Me?

Lately, I feel like I’ve been spending more time on Facebook & Twitter than I have concentrating on blogging, and I don’t know if that is necessarily a bad thing. I mean…with Facebook I get to see what all of my friends are doing and make quick status updates (usually something snarky or sarcastic). And with Twitter…well…no one really cares so I don’t spend much time on there. But both are a lot easier than writing a blog, where I have to actually set up my thoughts, organize and put a “story” in writing.

The other day on Facebook, I took a couple of “How Well Do You Know Such-n-Such” quizzes and was very disappointed in myself. After answering the 10 stumpers, it turns out I don’t know “my friends” very well at all. So I wanted to apologize to them (they know who they are…probably) for being a terrible friend. And to keep anyone else from feeling this way as well, I figured I would jot down the answers to my quiz for all of my OTHER friends who may take the quiz on me, this way eliminating any bad feelings that the quiz might evoke and we can all walk away from the Facebook experience with our heads held high and a happy feeling in our heart (I have no idea what I am talking about). Anyway…here’s MY “Cheat Sheet”. Use it when appropriate!

1. What color best suits me?
This is an obvious choice if you know me at all, and most everyone who has taken my quiz has gotten it correct. However if you think about it, it’s an easy answer because I have blue eyes…so BLUE is my answer because then everything matches! (Or so I tell my wife. She just thinks I’m lazy and I don’t want to color coordinate…)

2. My favorite alcoholic beverage is…
Sure, I like beer. Beer is great on a summer evening while chatting with friends. But for my true alcoholic love, it has to bring a happy thought into my head everytime I drink it. And nothing evokes better images than the drink I had every second of my honeymoon back in 2000. The pina colada is cool & refreshing and brings back great memories. What more can a person ask for? (Besides a cheap buzz and nausea?)

3. My favorite flavor of ice cream?
Hands down, Graeter’s Raspberry Chocolate Chip. With HUGE pieces of chocolate and the sweetest raspberry ice cream ever. But it is now being tested with a new Graeter’s flavor called “Elena’s Blueberry Pie”, which is downright DELICIOUS!!!

4. How many times have I travelled out of the country?
Surprise! Only twice. Oh sure…I guess it’s true that I have been over the Canadian border a couple of times to Windsor and Montreal. But for the true travel experience, I have only been to London & St. Lucia in the carribean. That’s pretty much it. And I didn’t even need a passport to get me to St. Lucia…so maybe that doesn’t count. I dunno…

5. What is my favorite movie?
If you don’t get this one, then you really don’t know me at all. “Grosse Pointe Blank” has been my favorite movie for about 8 years now. John Cusack, great soundtrack, awesome dialogue. My favorite easily!

6. What is my middle name?
I forgive anyone who missed this one because, quite honestly, middle names are dumb. Not that they aren’t necessary, but if you don’t know that I share “Thomas” with my Dad, I won’t hold it against you…

7. What song would I choose to sing at a karaoke bar?
When choosing to sing a song in public, the first thing I think about are the high notes. ‘Cause I can’t reach them. So then I shoot for something with low notes. And nothing says low notes like “Jet Airliner” by The Steve Miller Band. And to my friends who chose “Close To You”? You are fired…

8. What city was I born in?
Trick question because I was raised in Zanesville, OH. But my parents got me from an adoption agency in Columbus where, apparently, my maternal parents went to school. So Columbus, OH is where I am from originally.

9. Who is my favorite Disney character?
Who cares really? Well…I think the character you pick shows what kind of person you are. So in MY mind, I am forever young. So Peter Pan is my favorite character!

10. At a party, what would I be doing?
The answers are drinking, chatting, sitting in a corner by myself or sleeping. If I’m at a party (which is rare), my wife does all the chatting but I would never be sitting in a corner. I would probably be walking around, sipping a drink and listening to everyone else’s conversations. So drinking is my answer!

So there ya have it. If you’re on Facebook and you are gonna take MY quiz, you now know all the answers! And if you’re NOT my friend on Facebook…um…well….WHY NOT??? Get with the times! Everyone is doing it!

I No Longer Have To Mow My Front Yard…

The city was out here today, chopping down branches and trees near power lines. Luckily, my neighbor directly behind us doesn’t believe in trimming their trees which hang over our property because now my front yard looks like a tree exploded! Tree parts everywhere! Between the hammering in our house and the sawing out, I couldn’t take it anymore. So we went out for lunch and swimming. Might as well get out and boister the economy…right?

The outside…

the sideyard…

and the kitchen (as of 2pm, June 2).

And Then The Wall Came Down

Not the Berlin Wall, silly! I’m not THAT deep. No…I’m talking our kitchen wall! So the everlasting construction on our home continues and now it has moved indoors! Fantastic! And just as the kids are finishing up school for the summer. Even BETTER! Yeesh…

But I’m hoping it all looks fantastic after it’s all said and done. Here’s some photos to tide ya over…

Now you see it…

Now you don’t!

Funny how that works, huh? What? You want more? Ooookay…

The kitchen at 8am Monday morning (June 1st)

The kitchen at 3:30pm Monday afternoon (June 1st)

I’m telling ya…these guys don’t mess around! I’ll keep posting pictures as long as anyone cares…