What The Heck…Razor Blades?

I bet they didn’t shave Marty’s head with a cheap razor…

Everyone complains about gas prices and the milk prices and the cost of living and so on & so forth but you wanna know the REAL ripoff these days?

Razor blades.

Today I went to the grocery store because I had left my shaver at my parents’ house and I needed a new one for my travel bag (I still want my old one back Mom!). There, in the shaving goods aisle, were 15 or so different versions of shavers and about 30 different types of razors and disposable blades. So…as you can imagine, being the cheap bastard I am…I went looking for the cheapest, high-end brand shaver I could find and you know what? There aren’t any!

I don’t know what is going on between Schick and Gillette but apparently these 2 companies are trying to outdo each other for the amount of blades they can squeeze onto a small rectangle so they can continually jack up the price of a single razor! Almost all the new shavers have 4 to 5 blades, all kinds of strips and there are even a couple that need batteries?!?! What is going on???

A while back, I tried getting the cheap, throwaway razor while on the road and the damn things almost ripped my face open. I looked like a zombie walking through the lobby of the hotel. I think I may have scared a few of the kids hanging out in the lobby! So buying the cheapie $1 razor is out. But $4 for a blade? Really? Isn’t there another option?

Well, there are…but just not at my local grocery. Sometime last winter, a friend posted this video on Facebook…

I dunno what this is all about, but the Dollar Shave Club seems like a pretty good deal after staring down a box of 15 blades for $37.99 at my local Kroger! But why has it come to this? Why are these necessary items so expensive? And do I really care?

No. I don’t care. I just want to be able to enjoy a nice, clean shave without chopping my face up in the morning. So I’m seriously considering joining the Dollar Shave Club. Seems like a pretty good deal and if the product holds up, I won’t have to worry about jacking up my grocery bill every time I need new blades. But razor blades are a sham. We all know it. And that is why I’m so irritated about it. According to Quaora.com, most blades cost a total of .40 to produce. So Gillette then turns around and overcharges the consumer so that they can advertise like crazy, flooding the market with commercials and creating a stranglehold on the market for shaving goods. So really…WE are to blame because we see a commercial on tv and think we NEED to pay $5 a blade. Makes sense…right?

Well…not me. I’m done. I’m gonna find other options (like Dollar Shave Club) and see what else is out there. I don’t need 5 blades per razor. I don’t need all the aloe strips. I don’t need the vibrating handles and mustache trimmers. I just want to shave with a single blade that won’t cause excessive bleeding and won’t break my budget when I go to get a gallon of milk, a box of waffles and a pack of blades! C’mon Gillete! C’mon Schick! You know you’re gauging…so KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!!!

Here’s another great article if you’re interested (which I imagine you’re not but I thought this post was funny anyways…).

What The Heck…Chick-fil-A???

Recently, the president of the tasty chicken sandwich joint, Chick-fil-A, announced that he and his company are “very much supportive of the family.” And when he says “family,” he means a traditional family…with one mother and one father. Dan Cathy, not knowing when he should probably shut his yap and move on, decided to take it even further by saying, “I think we are inviting God’s judgement on our nation when we shake our fist at Him and say, ‘We know better than you as to what constitutes a marriage!’” And THEN…despite the fact that he is the owner of a national chain and despite the fact that the discussion of homosexuality, heterosexuality and pretty much ANY kind of sexuality is a hot button for scrutiny these days…he decided to take it one MORE step and said, “I pray God’s mercy on our generation that has such a prideful, arrogant attitude to think that we have the audacity to define what marriage is about.”

Interesting.

So let’s discuss.

What IS marriage all about?

Let’s face it, these days, the concept of marriage can be defined in MANY different ways. So when Dan Cathy speaks of HIS definition of marriage, it comes from “the biblical definition of the family unit.” So in those regards, here are some of several mentions of the definition of “marriage” in the Bible…

Genesis 2:22-24:
Then the LORD God made a woman from the rib he had taken out of the man, and he brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman, ‘ for she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh.

This is one of the more famous proverbs from the bible and I’ve been hearing it since I was a young child and I still dunno what the hell it means. So….a woman was “BORN” from a man’s rib? And if that happened, God took this woman and headed over to the guy he took the rib from and introduced them and they got married or something? Seems a little like inbreeding if you ask me. But then again…it IS open to discussion. If a female came from a man’s body doesn’t that make her his daughter? It’s all rhetorical but still…if it’s taken in context as stated…this seems to be a misprint because there’s no way the Bible would allow a man to marry his daughter and become “one flesh” when they already are of the same flesh. It’s confusing. Either way…moving on.

Then there’s this from Proverbs 18:22:
He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.

This hardly seems fair. If a guy has been married 6 times, this puts him in a more favorable light than a guy who has only been married once? And this seems to say that finding a wife is like finding something good. So if she’s THAT good, why has the guy been married 6 times? Once again…confusing.

And there’s this one from Ephesians 5:22-23:
Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.

Oh come on. I’ve been married going on 12 years and let’s be honest here…there ain’t no wife “submitting” anything except magazine subscriptions to “Cosmopolitan” and “Glamour.” As for the husband being the head of the wife…I have to be honest…I want nothing to do with being in my wife’s head. I have enough problems being in my OWN head. So for me to be HER head would really get us nowhere. I handle the financial stuff, she handles the kid stuff and together we make a pretty good team. But put ME in charge of all the stuff SHE usually handles? Yeah…you get a mess. Forget that one. I want nothing to do with it.

From Mark 10:6-9:
“But at the beginning of creation God ‘made them male and female.’ ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.’ So they are no longer two, but one. Therefore what God has joined together, let man not separate.”

Now…not 4 proverbs ago they were saying a woman was taken from a a mans rib. So NOW the Bible is saying that a man and woman were made at the beginning of creation? So…where did the idea of the rib go? Or was man created at the beginning and then a few minutes later God took the rib and made a woman? If so, then women were NOT created at the beginning…they came soon after. But if it’s the beginning of creation, were the man and woman created at a reasonable time in their lives so that they could fend for themselves? Because if they were infants, they surely would have died from hunger…right? I mean…there’s no one there to feed them so they HAD to have been created in their teenage years or so, right? Once again….very confusing.

Oh wait! And then I found THIS long-winded nugget that should make for some good head-scratching! From Corinthians 7:1-16:
Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry. But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. The wife’s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband’s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. I say this as a concession, not as a command. I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: It is good for them to stay unmarried, as I am. But if they cannot control themselves, they should marry, for it is better to marry than to burn with passion. To the married I give this command (not I, but the Lord): A wife must not separate from her husband. But if she does, she must remain unmarried or else be reconciled to her husband. And a husband must not divorce his wife. To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy. But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

I’ve now read and re-read this passage 5 times and I have to be honest…I have no idea what it’s saying. Is it saying I shouldn’t have gotten married? Is it saying it’s good that I did get married? Apparently my body is NOT my own, but also my wife’s…in which case she is now the proud owner of a 43 year old body that is in dire need of some serious crunches or at least a “Shake Weight.” If I don’t believe (in God, I guess) I should leave but if I do she should stay? And if we both stay, we can have kids except if one leaves, and then the kids are unclean. So why not give them a bath? I’m sure if one of the parents left, even if it was the mother who is probably a lot better about these things, a father could fill a tub up with water and give the kid a good washing. I don’t get this passage at all.

So after reading ALL of these passages, I think it’s safe to say that no matter how you read it, the Bible can be a little confusing. Granted, there has been a lot of emphasis on the Bible as fact throughout the last…oh…I dunno…2 thousand years or so, but in recent years we’ve come to ask questions. A few hundred years ago, you question the Bible? You’re head would be sliced off. Or you were hanged. Or a war started and millions died. Or priests had sex with young children. Oh wait…that’s a TOTALLY different discussion. No…the Bible was NOT to be questioned. Until 1954.

In 1954, Elvis Presley released a single called, “That’s All Right.” It’s been all downhill from there for the Bible and it’s rowdy group of thumpers. Not that Elvis created chaos…he just released a sexual energy and tension into the fray. Girls started WANTING to have sex. Boys STILL wanted to have sex. It didn’t matter if it was in matrimony or not, they were SCREAMING for the pelvis! And with that hip shake came questions.

What if marriage WASN’T the answer? I don’t know where the Bible came from. It’s supposedly written by a group of Jesus’ disciples, apostles and prophets. But suppose the Bible was written by an underground group of nomads who were simply writing stories. Stories they thought made for some pretty good campfire reading? And when those stories were told, hundreds and hundreds of years ago, people were worried they would do something that would anger the almighty God. God would strike them down! God would get angry! God would set a plague upon the earth, wiping out them and all of their goats! What should we do?!?!

FEAR THE GOD! is pretty much what the Bible says (in not so many words). So…we did. Well…they did. And then Elvis happened and we had questions. Obviously it’s absolutely ridiculous (as is much of this post) to assume that Elvis is the actual instigator of all of these questions we have about the Bible, but I gotta start somewhere…so let’s start with that hip shake. So now women are screaming, guys want to shake their hips, dancing starts, God is watching and then…we start to question. The Bible says MANY things about so many things that it speaks in reverse half the time. It’s a conundrum of questions, a wasteland of anecdotes and a veritable cauldron of plausible thoughts. It is everything anyone could ever want if they want an answer to anything! But then, amidst all of the thous and thou shall nots, it gets all muddled and confusing.

It’s 2012. We have questions. The Bible says a LOT of stuff that makes absolutely no sense. It’s a compilation of thoughts by a bunch of people who had no means in which to communicate, no idea how anything happened and with not an inkling of how mankind was created. The earth was flat, the main source of food were goats and fish and sandals were the new fashion statement. It was too early on this earth to question it. But now…we question it.

Somewhere in the Bible, there is a list of 10 Commandments. For the most part, we all know them and we all realize that, as a human race, we should all LIVE by them and some of us do, some of us don’t. Whatever. But the MAIN Commandment, the one which isn’t really a “commandment” at all, just a universal truth, is from the book of some guy named Matthew. It’s beautifully simple yet decidedly complicated. In our world (or, at least, in North America), freedom of speech has given way to some taking thinking they are the bastion of all knowledge (much like myself, rambling on in this post). Anyways…It goes like this…

“DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU WOULD HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU.”

It’s 11 words. If you don’t believe anything else in the Bible, you should believe and follow those 11 words.

So to the owner of Chick-fil-A, I respectfully say…run your business however you see fit. But don’t ostracize a group of people you don’t know anything about by saying that they (or, in this case, we) have no idea what marriage is. Marriage IS a loving unity of 2 people. Marriage is NOT a ring, or a house, or a piece of paper. It is so much more. It is LOVE.

And to those who write hatefully about Mr. Cathy I say, try to forgive a man his beliefs, no matter what you think about him. They are his beliefs and he lives in a country that allows freedom of speech. He SHOULD be more considerate of others and their lifestyles however if he doesn’t, that is his right. He isn’t forcing you to be heterosexual, homosexual or any other sexual. He is simply stating what he believes. As for you, you aren’t forced to go eat at any of the 1,600+ Chick-fil-A locations nationwide (even if the chicken sandwiches ARE pretty damn good). But I find it amusing that the company’s “purpose” is “to have a positive influence to all who come in contact with Chick-fil-A.” On that level, he has failed miserably.

Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part, but when completeness comes, what is in part disappears. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put the ways of childhood behind me. For now we see only a reflection as in a mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I am fully known.

And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

And THAT is what you should be basing your company on, Mr. Cathy. Just my thoughts. Take them as you will. And best of luck to you and your company.

Respectfully,

Alan

If you are interested in reading an article that I found to be quite informative and a lot more knowledgable than anything I’ve written here, go to THIS article. It’s well written and I agree with it. Just sayin’…

What The Heck…EDM?

A different kind of mouse…

This morning I took Ava and her friends to summer camp. We were listening to the radio and the girls were having fun, singing along to their favorite songs. I know I wax nostalgic for “the good ol’ days” maybe more than I should but I have to tell ya…listening to what is being played on the radio these days kind of says a lot about this generation. I was reading about the EDM movement (electronic dance movement) yesterday morning and it occurs to me that every generation has it’s “thing.” For my generation it was MTV and hair metal. For the 90′s, it was grunge and then rap. For THIS generation, it’s EDM?

I don’t know why listening to this kind of music depresses me. It’s definitely got a beat (the SAME beat…for every song) and I can dance to it (because I’m apt to do that from time to time), but despite what they say about this movement in music, I still can’t see where it’s going. People in the know say you have to EXPERIENCE an EDM show in order to “understand” it. Well…I’m thinking that’s an experience I can live without. Not because I don’t think it would be fun but mostly because I’m too old. And this stuff makes my ears and my head hurt after a while. All the repetitive beats and ridiculous lyrics just don’t appeal to me. And when local radio (yes…I STILL listen) plays the same 15 songs over & over (THAT hasn’t changed over the years), I find it amazing that 12 of those songs sound similar. Maybe the artists change, but the beat does not. And maybe THAT is the appeal of EDM? Maybe the familiarity of it? Because when I listen to this music, it all blends together. It’s all DJ’s sitting at a console, taking music that has already been done before and mixing it together. I don’t know if I would call that talent or if it’s plagiarism on some level.

An EDM concert photo I stole from the internet. Am I an artist?

I am proud to say that I’ve always been open to new kinds of music. That being said, I was raised in the 80′s so it’s the 80′s that I always tend to drift back to whenever I listen to music these days. REM, Echo & The Bunnymen, U2, Depeche Mode (which is a grandfather to EDM)…whatever. I love those XM channels that feature old 80′s classics and the “80′s On 8″ channel that has the old MTV VJ’s spinning the “HOT” tracks from that decade. Thinking about it, I have to wonder…when my generation has gotten too old and we start sitting on our hard earned cash (wait…does “cash” still exist?), what are companies going to use for marketing tools for the following generations. I mentioned this a while back in THIS article, how my generation is now being targeted by marketing companies everywhere. This is OUR time, my friends. Those of us who grew up from 1980-89 are now the primary spenders so…we are being bombarded with stuff from the 80′s! Well…except for cassettes. I’m thinking THOSE are gone for good. But still…clothing, music, characters on tv, movies (Hello “21 Jump Street!” Again?) and on & on. I’m okay with it. I understand it. But I’m wondering…once this has passed us by and we start hoarding our money, the 90′s are up and what are marketing genius’ gonna do then? I can only imagine Apple will start using Nirvana in their commercials, “Tubthumping” will be remixed by DJ’s with an extra beat somewhere and Snoop Dogg will have his own Disney television show where he plays the old guy, doling out advice to the “younger generation.” Then…after that…what?

Thankfully, there are some artists out there who still make music. Gotye has hit it big with “Somebody That I Used To Know” (which is a catchy tune but overplayed), Adele has 4 or 5 songs that have been on repeat on commercial radio for going on 2 years now and there are a few others. For the most part though, electronica has overtaken pop music and transformed it into a repetitive format that sounds exactly the same with every song that comes on. I can’t say I HATE EDM, but I can say that it is grinding me down, making me pine for the “better” days of music. My friend Howard, who is a huge fan of bands such as Poco and Bruce Springsteen, is always quick to quip that modern music is a waste of time. He doesn’t care for rap (at all), or electronica (at all), or most of today’s music. I have always thought that Howard was a little bit too taken in by his generation of music. I don’t know if I would call him a “music snob” so much as someone who just wasn’t open to the new music that has come around since…oh, I dunno…1978? But now I’m starting to agree with him a little. As open as I am to new music and the waves that music has ridden over the past 3 decades, I CAN say that this new format of music (which isn’t really new. It’s been around to some degree since disco) is starting to get on my nerves. Artists such as Usher, Justin Beiber, Katy Perry…they ALL have pop sensibilities. But for whatever reason, they (or the marketing geniuses behind them) always feel the need to remix their music, adding beeps and tweets and distorting vocals, all for the sake of making a dime. Throw in another voice (Rihanna and Nicki Minaj might as well never put out another album. They could live off their featured performances on ANYONE’S new song) and you’re looking at music GOLD!

Or maybe not.

I’m old. I know it. But this stuff is crap. Do I think David Guetta and the herd of new EDM “artists” have talent? I guess. With the technology out there these days, I doubt it’s difficult to find the beat in other songs and link them together. In the above linked “USA Today” article, Moby gives a breakdown of the multiple versions of EDM out there today. Reading over it, I’m not impressed. He states that EDM is rooted in BPM. That’s “Beats Per Minute.” Well…I can’t think of ANY good song that gives a rat’s butt about how many beats it can squeeze into a song. It’s about the lyrics and the attachment you feel when listening to a song. This morning I switched over to “80′s On 8″ and they were playing a Gloria Estefan tune. I never really cared one way or another about Ms Estefan in the 80′s but on this morning, “I Don’t Wanna Lose You” was a welcome change from the latest collaboration of David Guetta and Sia (who?). Listening to the lyrics, I FELT something. And it had nothing to do with how may digital bleeps were in the song. It’s my opinion that this generation is missing the point. But maybe that’s not surprising considering how different things are now compared to a little over 20 years ago.

Okay…now that I am feeling REALLY old, I am gonna go mix me up a sweet hair band CD so I can jam out to some Whitesnake while cruising to work later. I imagine this article will find many laughing at me and how I have become so out of touch with this generation (much like my parents and their parents and so on…), but I have to say…I gave today’s music a chance and they have, for the most part, blown it. So I’ll take my CD’s over your downloads any day and I’m thinking I won’t be missed. However every time I hear a classic “oldie” on a television commercial I will have to chuckle and wonder…in 30 years, will Nissan be cranking a Skrillex track to market it’s latest hybrid?

Somehow I doubt it.

What The Heck…Words With Friends???

Kicking & screaming I was dragged back to this stupid IPhone game and I DEMAND to know how I can’t play the word “OZ” but my friends can use words such as the following and get points out of it…

• Gen
• Zori
• Ager
• Nop
• Sau
• Ag
• Virl
• Pi
• Touse
• El
• Jo
• Pugh
• Ef
• Fa
• Za
• Kob
• Shea
• Goy
• Nits

So I can understand how people get strapped for words and they need to bail themselves out with a RANDOMLY MADE UP WORD…but I don’t understand HOW they get away with it? Ok…so maybe SOME of them aren’t made up. “Gen” is an informal term for information. “Touse” means to pull. “Jo” is a SCOTTISH term for a sweetheart! It’s NOT in the English language! A bunch of these other “words” are slang or, in the case of a few of them, are a note in the music scale! THAT’S NOT FAIR!!!

Meanwhile, I’m stuck with 2 V’s, 5 vowels and an X.

SCREW THIS STUPID GAME!!!!

Oh…alright…I’m gonna pass just ONE MORE TIME…

I hate this game…but…do you wanna play? How about “Hanging With Friends?” LOVE that game…

What The Heck…Sugar Pills?

I hate being sick. And it has been noted that MOST people also hate being sick. So when I say I hate being sick, this should not come as a surprise. Recently I have been “sick,” but not in a “I’m gonna toss my cookies” sort of way. My malady is sciatica and for the past 7 months I have been dealing with it in full force. I’ve been to see my family doctor and my orthopedic doctor and a doctor who only works on shoulders (remember THIS post?) and each and every one of them tells me the same thing…this issue is not gonna go away. If you have it, there’s really only measures you can take to try and hold it at bay as long as possible but eventually I’ll probably have to have my spine ripped out.

Just kidding.

Actually, sciatica is a pretty common problem these days and there are a few ways to keep the issue under control. The first is stretching. Stretching is NOT my strong suit because I am as inflexible as they come. But stretching is HUGE when it comes to this issue. The second help aid is massage or acupuncture. And lastly, lots of ice, followed by heat, followed by ice again and so on and so forth…

The things that DON’T help AT ALL over an extended point & time are drugs. Taking anti-inflammatory medications for a very short period of time doesn’t help for more than a short  period because sciatica pain is so immense, it is hard to control with painkillers. So if this is the case, why is it that I am continually buying drugs for this problem? My family doctor prescribed a couple of drugs for me. My ortho prescribed some drugs for me. And I’ve bought all of them EXCEPT for a pain patch that was selling at Walgreen’s for $225?!? Forget that! But I have tried cyclobenzaprine, hydrocodone, naproxen, orphenadrine, prednisone and oxycodone and NONE of them really helped. Why is that, I wonder? I imagine if I’m gonna pay anywhere from $25 to $100 for these drugs, you’d think I’d get SOME KIND of relief. But noooooo…the pain keeps on shooting down my leg and I can’t imagine why I even bothered to buy all this crap. As a matter of fact, my insurance doesn’t pay for ANY of this stuff. Maybe the insurance companies know it’s a bad rap and have said they’re not gonna go along with it! They are taking a stand on the use of these “drugs” (aka SUGAR PILLS) and they aren’t gonna help endorse them anymore!

Sure…I’d love to think the insurance companies have me in mind but guess what…I still buy them. And they do nothing.

Last week a friend of mine told me that she suffers from sciatica and she is doing yoga and taking glucosamine, chindroitin and MSM. I have no idea how you pronounce this stuff but apparently it’s good for your joints. How this is supposed to help my sciatica, I have no idea. But you can bet your butt I’m gonna go buy them to see if they work because there’s a part of me that wants to believe that SOMETHING has to work, right? Not all of these modern medical miracles can be for show, can they?

Or…can they?

Either way, none of this stuff is working and the only relief I am getting is if I do it myself. I gotta stretch, ice, heat and massage with a little acupuncture (which ain’t cheap. $135 for my first visit!), maybe I can whip this thing for a little while. But I’m a little nervous that I’m having to deal with this issue while in my 40′s. It would have been nice to get through this decade without having to deal with any kind of health problem but whatever…we all have our issues. Guess it could have been worse. I could have had unlimited kidney stones or angina or been pregnant. And THAT would have been weird…right?

All He Wants For Christmas Is…Seriously???

This man is a little confused…

Gotta love the holidays! The decorations were up 3 months ago, the music has been infiltrating the airwaves and commercials and I am counting the days to “A Charlie Brown Christmas” (even though I own it on DVD). And now is the time for the kids to make out their lists so that we can check it once or twice and hope that Santa understands that we are trying to make ends meet. Anyway, with Christopher getting older, I imagined that there would be all kinds of things that he would be asking for. Here is the list I IMAGINED would happen…

1. A new bike (preferably a Harley)
2. A smart phone
3. The latest and greatest computer games
4. Under Armour Sweatshirts
5. Under Armour shirts
6. Sweat pants
7. New Nike Jordan shoes
8. A fish
9. A hamster

So expecting this list, I was mildly surprised and more than a little taken aback when Steph shows me Christophers list and it consists of the one thing I would NEVER have guessed.

Here’s the thing, you see. When I was a kid, I wanted ALL the good stuff. I wanted cassettes and a boom box and a new basketball and some new toys and a video game system and if I got one or two of them, I was a happy puppy. But NEVER, EVER…in my youth would I have EVER asked for what my son is asking for Christmas this year.

Steady yourself…

He wants socks.

I kid you not. And not just regular white socks but NBA socks and Nike socks. And he wants certain colors.

Of socks.

I have to be honest…I dunno what to say. I was all set to see this list and then say “No, no, no…absolutely not!” but I’m thinking that there’s not much I can say in this situation. What am I supposed to say? No…you can’t have socks?!?

In all my years, this may be the most ridiculous request for a Christmas gift that I’ve ever heard…but if that’s what the boy wants…who am I to deny his request? So yes Christopher…this year Santa will be bringing you socks. I’m pretty sure THAT won’t be a problem. I just hope this doesn’t come back to bite me down the road…

“Remember that year that all I wanted was socks Dad? Yeah…well…now I want a new car!”

It’s gonna happen…I just know it.

Oh yeah…and he wants a new football. Geez…aren’t the socks enough?!?!

What The Heck…Weeds???

Pretty! Right?

Summer is the best time to get to know your yard. We plant and we seed and we tend and we try our best to keep our yards manicured and conditioned and seeded and watered and after all is said and done?

Weeds.

You have to understand that I understand weeds. I mean…here is the villain of the plant community. The outcast. Trying to grow in places where he is not welcome and so he’s just trying to get out into the world and make his life a little better. Can’t fault the little guy for that…right? So who’s to say that weeds are evil?

I took the time to look it up (on Dictionary.com, of course) and the description of a “weed” is this…

1. a valueless plant growing wild, especially one that grows on cultivated ground to the exclusion or injury of the desired crop.
2. any undesirable or troublesome plant, especially one that grows profusely where it is not wanted.

So let me get this straight. In order to be considered a “weed,” the plant only has to be undesirable? Let’s say I have a bunch of petunias in my front yard and around April they grow and the petals open up and they look all pretty and such and then one day…DUH DUH DUH…the ugly weed decides to rear it’s ugly head and manages to grow somewhere in the center of the flowers and because of this he is considered the evil cousin of the beautiful tulip? And because of his ugliness we seek to destroy him, ripping him out of the ground or spraying him with a chemical that would melt the face off of a small animal?

And all because he’s “undesirable?”

Well then…I’m changing my opinion of the weed then because I’m ALWAYS down for the underdog and here’s the way I see it…

The weed, as ugly as he may be, is the strongest plant of ALL the plants. Think about it…not only does he grow in places that no one would dare plant a tulip, but he THRIVES under all conditions and continues to grow even after being ripped from the ground (and I should know because I’ve been ripping these %#$^$* sons a b%$#^& out ALL FREAKIN’ SUMMER AND THEY WON’T DIE!!!!!!!)…ehem…

or having been sprayed with vile weed killer chemicals (which I’ve also done and it doesn’t seem to matter because the god$%#&$& thing WON’T DIE EVER!!!!!!!!).

…Sorry ’bout that…

Anyway…so I have an all new opinion about weeds. Actually…I’m rethinking my entire garden structure at this point. Seriously…why bother with all these other plants that need to be tended to and babied and watered every day and have to be coddled and sprayed with plant food and so on & so forth. Why not praise the mighty weed for what he has accomplished? Like crabgrass? This stuff grows EVERYWHERE. Not just in the plant beds but on the patio and in the concrete and in the gravel. You find me a piece of earth and I’ll be damned if crabgrass won’t grow there! Or how about the dandelion. Oh the dandelion…such a small beauty. So pretty with it’s yellow plume, sticking it’s head out of the grass, hoping to be loved by some small boy who picks it to give to his mother in hopes that she’ll buy him that new toy that he wants. And don’t forget the white, fuzzy weeds that you can pick and blow and they scatter into the wind, seeking other lawns to populate with a new crop of weeds. I’m sure your neighbors will thank you later!

So let’s not disregard the weed.

Seriously…if it’s working this hard to survive, ya gotta give it credit. I mean…if an alien race were to come down out of the sky and land in my yard and see me in my backyard and decide…”Ick. What is THAT? I must destroy it!” and then picks me up and rips my head off, I ain’t coming back folks. But not weeds! Those little mother%$#&%  just keep right on growing and growing and it doesn’t matter how many I pick or spray or kick or dig them out of the ground, they just keep right on growing right back and not only that those little %$#&$ MULTIPLY and then my ENTIRE YARD is covered in crabgrass/dandelions/weeds/little white blowy thingies and DAMMIT I JUST WANT MY YARD TO LOOK AS GOOD AS MY NEIGHBORS YARD ACROSS THE STREET!!!! I SWEAR…IS THAT SO %$#$& WRONG?!?!?

*sigh*

I give up. You win weed. Here’s hoping there’s a nice, long winter ahead and then I won’t have to worry about you for maybe 5 or 6 months. But I know you. You’ll be back.

I hate you weed. But you sure are a persistent SOB…I’ll give you that.

What The Heck…Dr. Shengwang Du???

No really! It DOES work! Watch…I can PROVE it!

These are the kinds of news stories I love to read because nothing says “Waste of money” more than a good time travel story. Apparently the idea of time travel was recently debunked in Hong Kong as Dr. Shengwang Du and his team of scientists found that single photons can’t really travel faster than the speed of light like originally thought (or I know I did anyway). This, in turn, has set the world on fire because now it is unknown how Dr. Emmitt Brown got that DeLorean to travel back to the 60′s in “Back To The Future.” But I digress…

Dr. Du (as he’s called in the scientific community) issued this statement, “By showing that single photons cannot travel faster than the speed of light, our results bring a closure to the debate on the true speed of information carried by a single photon. Our findings will also likely have potential applications by giving scientists a better picture on the transmission of quantum information.”

He also said this, “The team found that, as the fastest part of a single photon, the precursor wave front always travels at the speed of light in vacuum,” researchers said. “The main wave packet of the single photon travels no faster than the speed of light in vacuum in any dispersive medium, and can be delayed up to 500 nanoseconds in a slow light medium. Even in a superluminal medium where the group velocity (of an optical pulse peak) is faster than the speed of light in vacuum, the main part of the single photon has no possibility to travel faster than its precursor.”

And this, “Our test confirms Einstein’s causality; that is, an effect cannot occur before its cause.”

And this, “I like to go poo poo when I get hot in this diaper.”

Okay…maybe I made up that last one.

Seriously? Do they have so much money laying around in Hong Kong that they can afford this kind of research? This makes me wonder what kind of time travel studies we’re doing here in the U.S. ’cause you just KNOW that we wanted to be the first to PROVE that time travel could really happen. I’m sure we have an entire squadron of astro-scientists who are hunkered down in an underground bunker somewhere, building robots and attempting to figure out how we can go back in time to create the Wii first.

Look…I’m thinking it’s about time we figured out what is important and what isn’t. Saving our eco-system, learning how to properly use solar energy and maintaining world peace? First. Going back in time or creating teleportation devices? Last.

Would it be cool to travel back in time, knowing what we know now and fix some things? Sure. I’m positive there are some really stupid decisions I’ve made (like a few in the last 30 seconds) that I would LOVE to go back and change. But it’s over & done and I’m moving on. And so should Dr. Du. I know the IDEA of time travel is fascinating to some and I guess it would be cool to hop in a flying car and jet back to my teenage years to see how far I’ve come, but do we really need all that pressure? There is SO MUCH to fix! As a race, humans have done so much to ruin this little planet of ours, ranging from destroying the environment to mass genocide. So I say let’s leave the past in the past and concentrate on our future because, quite frankly, we’ve screwed up the past enough. It’s time to focus all our efforts (and money) into some programs that DO make sense…like studying the eating habits of the humpback whale or the effects of cigarette smoke and how it causes cancer (’cause we can NEVER get enough of those studies). But time travel?

C’mon. Even I could have told you THAT wasn’t gonna happen.

Now excuse me but I gotta go e-bid on a nuclear sub on my IPhone. If you need me we can video chat later and I’ll Google ya on the flipside!

Alan out!

(If you wanna read the entire story, here it is…)

What The Heck….Kohl’s?

Oh how my wife LOVES the Kohl’s. The excitement on her face when she receives that 30% / 40% / 50% discount coupon in the mail EVERY WEEKEND is the happiest I see her all week. I think it is safe to say that getting that coupon in the mail and then being at the store and seeing even MORE discounts is to any woman what a really great round of golf  is to a guy…it’s just SO AWESOME!!!

So it is much to my dismay when I see a receipt that essentially says this…

TOTAL: $205.60    TOTAL SAVED: $395.95

Seriously Kohl’s? Is THIS how you roll? Because that, in a nutshell, is CRAP!

Look…I know that businesses are suffering right now and that they are trying every way possible to get us into their aisles and shopping again, but the psychological warfare that they are bringing is unfair and unwarranted.

First…let’s look at what is happening here…

The woman is receiving a coupon in the mail that says she gets a discount. IMMEDIATELY her endorphins start to rush to her head. It’s that “feel good” feeling that prompts her to get into her car and go to the store. Then, once at the store, she sees all the clothes and frames and bras and kids wear and men’s socks and the signs that say “Biggest Sale Of The Season!” (which Kohl’s has EVERY FREAKIN’ WEEKEND!) and the endorphins are kicked into an even higher gear and soon the women are wandering the store like zombies, foam dripping from their mouths, looking for ALL THE REALLY GREAT DEALS and they know…THEY JUST KNOW… that they are saving SO much money that we, the men, will appreciate what they are doing and so they shop because they have the coupons and the discounts and the red tags and so they are SAVING us money…right? RIGHT?!?!?!

So they shop and they get the bags full and the carts full and when it’s all said and done they ONLY spent $205.60 and they SAVED $395.95! What a great shopping experience! Oh the RAPTURE!

“Look honey! We SAVED $395.95! What a great day! The savings! Yay us!”

Uh…yeah…but we (and when I say “we” I mean “she”) spent $205.60. Soooo….how is THAT saving us anything? That’s $205. Not $5. Or $5.75. It’s not even $20. It’s $205?!?!

I think this is all a big set-up by our wives. Kohl’s is an accomplice to a spending crime here and I’m putting them on trial but really it’s a women conspiracy. I see how this is all going down actually. Because you just KNOW what this does…right? The next time she’s in Target and she spends the prerequisite $110 that ALL women spend at Target EVERY TIME THEY GO IN THE STORE…they can now say…

“But honey…I ONLY spent $110 at Target! Aren’t you glad I didn’t go to Kohl’s?”

Yes, my love…I guess I am…

Suuuuuure it is…

What The Heck…”The Hat”

The biggest wedding since…well..since Diana & Charles said “I do” in 1981 happened this past week and there were millions watching as the new royal couple strolled down the aisle to get hitched. I honestly didn’t watch any of it but there were so many people talking about it and the media was swarming everywhere so I couldn’t go without seeing SOMETHING from the wedding and before I saw pictures of the bride or the groom or anything else from the wedding I see this…

Lady Gaga…eat your heart out! Princess Beatrice TRUMPS anything you’ve worn in concert including that ridiculous meat outfit. Seriously…you gotta be a little bit loopy to show up to a royal wedding wearing this! That’s CRAZY! It’s amazing she got past security wearing that thing. I’m pretty sure it’s considered a dangerous weapon in several countries. I was reading where one person compared the hat to fallopian tubes and a uterus. Someone else compared it to a sign of the devil. In my opinion it looks like a “Pop-A-Shot.” I’m surprised people weren’t throwing tiny basketballs at her head, trying to make it through that hoop.

Ya know…I know I’m not someone who is up-to-date on the latest fashion trends but this? Well…it’s bad. Unless you’re an alien. But for a princess? Nah…no way. It’s really THAT bad.

And that’s all I got.

What The Heck…Pfitens?

I dunno if you know the latest fads going around these days but I’m a little bit in the know. The only reason I know about them is because my son and his friends are all about this new fad and I’m the one stuck holding the bill! The latest fad is…Phitens. Dunno what they are? Well…here is a quote taken from Wikipedia which I assume was probably copy & pasted from one of their sites…

Phitens “relieve fatigue by balancing the body’s signals that run from brain to the body and thus regulating the body’s “bio-electric currents. Through what the company calls the “Phild process,” titanium is supposedly turned into “aqua-titanium”. The company claims to be able to integrate small amounts of this metal directly into the fabric. The medical and performance-enhancing claims relating to Phiten’s products are considered pseudoscience.”

Pseudoscience? WTF?

Here’s what I know about these Phitens…they’re freakin’ EXPENSIVE! One silly necklace can cost anywhere from $25 to $65! And there are arm bands and arm sleeves and tape and all kinds of things. It’s crazy! Basically it’s high priced stuff that appeals to kids. Athletes endorse it, so it MUST be good for your body. It will help you balance out and be the best you can be! Forget eating right and exercising! You wear one of these and your life will be in balance!

Yeesh.

Don’t get me wrong…I understand the fad. When I was a kid, all I wanted was a pair of Air Jordans! And when I finally got them, I hated them! They hurt my feet, they didn’t support my ankles and the damn things gave me more blisters than I care to remember. So I get the notion of the fad. But this company is something else! “Relieve fatigue by balancing the body’s signals (what?) that run from the brain to the body (huh?) and thus regulating the body’s bio-electric currents??? Puh-leeeze…

It’s ridiculous and WAY overpriced. If you want to sell to kids, make it so they can buy the product with their allowance money. But $50 bucks for a stupid necklace? That’s crazy.

So here’s hoping that this fad goes away. Every time I see a professional baseball/basketball/football player wearing one of these things it makes me wanna laugh. I’m sure they get boxes of this stuff and never have to pay for any of them. So of course they endorse them! I’d endorse them also! Let me strap one around my waist and I’ll let you know if the positive energy is helping my back pain. Or gimme a headband and I’ll see if it helps my headaches go away. But don’t tell me this product helps the “bio-electric currents” in my body because that’s a bunch of bunk. You are selling rubber bands to kids. That is all. Funny thing is…there was another fad like this just last summer. They were called silly bands and I thought paying $5 for a pack of them was silly. Now I’m thinking maybe that was a steal!

What The Heck…Ohio State Players Get Tattooed?

Getting an early start?

On Thursday, 5 Ohio State football players were suspended for the first 5 games of 2011 for receiving free tattoos from a local Columbus tattoo parlor in exchange for their autographs. Apparently they also sold jerseys, championship rings and awards that they had received for being a part of the 2008 Fiesta Bowl among other trinkets. Starting quarterback Terrelle Pryor is the biggest name under investigation and will be paying back $2500. To a local charity? Is that right? And the other guys will be paying back money that ranges from $1100 to $1500 to…a local charity?

Okay…I understand that the NCAA is pissed off that these players decided to take some trinkets that they consider to be honored and sell them at cost. But to suspend them for selling something that was GIVEN to them and then making them pay the money back is a joke.

Look…I understand the NCAA has rules. God knows they have an entire squad of lawyers at their beck & call to make up whatever crap pops into their heads, but the one thing they don’t seem to understand is that they are dealing with kids. Yes…they are overly large kids with arms the size of 2 of my thighs and the ability to pass a jackrabbit running at full speed, but they are kids nonetheless. And the university is taking up ALL of their time with school (providing they go to class….which I suspect most don’t), training, practice, studying of the playbook, more practice, more training and then the obligatory night out at the bars where they eventually get busted for starting a gunfight. Most “student” athletes don’t have time to be going out and getting a part-time job to help pay for all the stuff that kids their age want…like jewelry, Playstation games and tattoos. So when the opportunity comes along for them to get all tatted up and get it for simply signing a few things? Hell yeah they’re gonna do it! And if the opportunity comes around where they can make a few extra bucks parting with some things that are simply cluttering up their dorm rooms and they don’t want them anymore? Why not sell them on EBay? One man’s junk is another man’s treasure!

But THIS is different, you might say. These are Ohio State players. Big time players in the big time spotlight. They NEED to be made an example of! Well…to that I say “bullshit.” This is a joke. And the NCAA should really start doing some serious thinking about how students these days are supposed to be getting by when they are not being paid in cash (granted their education is free…but that don’t buy ya dinner!) and the little cash they do get isn’t enough to get them through lunch meals for a week.

Here’s the thing…these kids DO get money. Just not to put in their wallets. They get free meals, free room and board, free clothes, free equipment and lots of other things that I can’t really get into because it’s all illegal but EVERYONE knows it goes down. We ALL know it. These kids are making TONS of cash for the colleges they play for. They are commodities, just like NFL players. The difference is they are kids and the NCAA feels that there shouldn’t need to be any money exchanging hands for their abilities when they are giving them a free education and a place to showcase their talents so that later they can go make millions off the NFL money train. But what if they don’t? What if college is as far as they get? Who knows where Pryor is gonna end up. Or Jordan Whiting, a freshman linebacker who apparently needs to donate $150 of his lunch money to charity for the tattoo he got for free. Seriously? So the college is gonna give him $150 and he’s not gonna eat for a week? Gimme a break.

This is so much crap it’s not even worth writing about but just reading this story pisses me off. The kids look for ways to buck the system, the system bites them back. If you ask me, maybe the NCAA needs to start paying more attention to the cars some of its students are driving. Or some of the bling they’re wearing. Or some of the clothes that they wear out at night. THEN they can suspend 5 players for getting tattoos. But until then, I say this is nothing but the NCAA’s way of telling everyone “Hey! We’re still here!” and earning a paycheck. Because it’s one thing to be driving an Excalibur to school but something entirely different if a guy wants to tattoo up his arm with “I Love Mom.” Some could argue they’re one in the same…but I say the Excalibur costs more and won’t last forever. And I bet later in life the Pryor’s of the world will look back and say, “Gee…I look ridiculous. I wish I had that Fiesta Bowl ring I gave away for $300. It would really be cool to give to my kid someday.”

And THEN the lesson will have been learned. Not this way. Giving money to charity? Money they probably SHOULDN’T have in the first place (considering they were obviously selling the stuff for a reason)? How dumb IS the NCAA anyway?

And don’t even get me started on the fact that they are allowed to play in this year’s bowl game.

THAT is a farce also. If you ask MY opinion…

What The Heck…$100???

Is it just me? Or does it seem like it is next to impossible to get out of bed in the morning and not spend $100? I swear, as soon as my foot hits the floor, it’s $100 GONE…just like that! Whatever happened to the almighty dollar? Did it just go bye-bye without anyone saying anything because honestly…NOTHING costs a buck anymore. If you can find me anything that is not bought off McDonald’s value menu or at a $1 thrift store, I’ll buy you a Big Mac…and they’re $3.98 nowadays. And that’s a CHEAP sandwich!

I swear, gas costs $50 in one vehicle and $32 in the other, groceries are a little over $120 (and my kids are only 8 & 6), life/health/car/property/bite me insurance premiums are outrageous, kids clothes, adult clothes, dog food, cat food, electric, water, you name it it is ALL seem to cost over $100 (when bought at Target…). And don’t even get me started on phone bills!!! WTF???

Oh I’ve heard the word…consolidation. Everyone needs to be organizing and cutting their budgets! We need to slow down and stop spending so frivolously. Well….YEAH. But how can we do that when everything is so damn expensive? We NEED food and gas and clothes and water and trash pickup. It’s not like you can go without those things. And even the smaller things that aren’t needed but are still important (violin lessons, football gear, school supplies) all seem to be on the high expense spectrum. I dunno where this country is going today but I doubt I’ll be able to afford it.

I had a friend tell me the other day that he pays $19,000 a year for his daughter to go to a small college. And that doesn’t include books or board. My wife and I have started a fund for our kids but at the rate that it’s going, there’s not a chance in hell that it’s gonna be able to cover more than one year for one of our kids, let alone get both of them through with a decent education. Guess I just need to hang on to my ass and hope I can get through.

Oh $100 bill…you used to be so magestic, with your green print and Ben Franklin eyeing me with his “Spend me” attitude. But now all I can think about is how little I get out of you these days. $100 USED to be so important…and now it’s a drop in the bucket. Sad…it had so much potential…

What The Heck…Lindsay Lohan

Ok…so she looks kinda pretty here…

I don’t know about you, but being the film buff that I am, I am totally looking forward to the upcoming film, “Machete.” It looks AWESOME! And it stars Danny Trejo, Jessica Alba, Michelle Rodriguez, Tim Roth and…Lindsay Lohan. Lindsay Lohan?

Can I ask something here…because apparently I have lost track of what the hell is going on in the entertainment world but…did you know that Lindsay is the hot new thing in Hollywood? It’s true! I had no idea. I mean…she’s on every magazine cover and internet site and entertainment tv show and every talk show and…

…who the hell cares? What IS it with this chick that everyone is so fascinated with? Because I checked with IMDB and she’s been in maybe 3 movies that I’ve heard of and that includes “Machete” and a remake of Herbie The Love Bug. So…WHY is she so damn popular? I don’t get it…

Oh sure…she’s a hot mess. From what I can tell in my 5 minute research for this particular blog she’s as screwed up as they come. So is THAT why everyone is so into her? She’s a bigger mess than the rest of us and so that makes her interesting? Am I the only person who doesn’t find her attractive? At all? I mean…even pictures like this don’t do it for me…

Actually…I even went to look for a sexy picture of Lohan and I couldn’t find any?!?! She’s not that attractive! And the only photos that had her even looking remotely attractive she was dressed up like Marilyn Monroe! So she has to dress up and look like someone else in order to be sexy? Yeesh. I’m not impressed.

So I found out that she was recently in jail for drug abuse and being an alcoholic. Dunno how this makes her any different than hundreds of other Hollywood starlet wannabe’s, but for whatever reason people find it fascinating. I, on the other hand, do not.

I guess the point of this is I’m bored, I haven’t been writing much and I figured…I might as well write about something I could care less about. And this definitely satisfied that need. Soooo…back to your regularly scheduled reading…

Oh wait! Here’s one!

Oh wait…

Nevermind.

What The Heck…LeBron James Fans?

Yeah…WAY to hip for Cleveland…

Let’s say you work for a company that does okay business. You work hard, day in and day out, wanting to be the best employee you can be and you are the hotshot expert in your company. But for whatever reason, your company mismanages your skills and never allows you to be the best you can be and also puts a cap on the kind of money you can make. What’s your next step?

You go looking for another gig…right?

So when LeBron James, the proclaimed King of the NBA right now, decided to skip town and head to Miami, what’s not to understand? He spent 7 seasons with the Cavaliers. He got them CLOSE to a championship. He became the one of maybe 3 marketable players in an otherwise nameless game (seriously…name me the 5 starters on ANY team in the NBA that doesn’t play in your town) and made basketball hip in a town that, prior to his arrival, the most memorable thing about it was when they got beat by the Bulls back when Jordan hit “The Shot” in 1989 to finish the Cavs’ playoff run and start their descent into a decade of bad basketball. So when every fan and the OWNER of the Cavs comes out after his announcement that he’s leaving Cleveland and badmouths him saying he gave up and he is a loser and you can bet he will suck in Miami? Well…they’re obviously just bitter.

Here’s the deal, and the reason I bring this up is because one of my Facebook friends put it so eloquently…if you are from Akron (or Cleveland), James’ leaving is a big deal! He essentially turned on his hometown and ran for the glitz and glamour (and the money) of Miami. And so I ask: Uh…wouldn’t you?

Cleveland has cold weather, Miami has rain every now and then and it never gets below 60. Cleveland has a cloud of Loserville hanging over it’s head, Miami won the NBA Championship in 2006. Cleveland’s lineup without James includes…well…we dunno at this point, the Heat have Dwayne Wade (one of LeBron’s buddies), Chris Bosh, Zydrunas Ilgauskas and some other guys who aren’t as famous but who cares? It’s a no-brainer folks! Given the opportunity to work for a Fortune 500 company or stay with your struggling company that doesn’t seem to know what to do with your skills, what would YOU do? I’d be flying the coop as soon as possible! And that’s what James did.

Oh sure…we could all say that the way he did it was a bit obnoxious. ESPN scheduling a 1-hour special to add to the excitement of who would get the best basketball player since Jordan (whatever Kobe…) was a little over-the-top. And James’ unwillingness to even give a hint to what was gonna go down was literally like sneaking up from behind all the fans in Cleveland and giving them a smack in the back of the head…but maybe that’s what they needed.

Because here’s the deal folks…pro athletes don’t give a rat’s butt about the fans. Anyone who watches sports KNOWS this…but we’re gluttons for punishment and we’d love to think that all athletes think fans are the greatest…but they don’t. For them, this is a job. It’s a living. Sure…they’re having a grand ol’ time playing sports and seeing the country, but when the day is over, they have only so much time and then they’ll be hocking cars or running a restaurant or smacking up hookers or whatever they will do after their days as a pro athlete are numbered. They are just like us except with a shorter time span in which to build their millions (I assume you make at least a million or so a year…right?) so they do it as quickly as possible. And that’s what James is doing. He knows if he wins a championship, his name will forever be etched in stone with the rest of the greats AND he’ll be set for life! He’ll never have to buy his own dinner, buy his own car or wait for a table anywhere ever again. And who here wouldn’t want that?

So don’t begrudge LeBron for leaving Cleveland. It’s what athletes do. And just about any athlete in any sport would tell you…given the option of playing forever in Cleveland or playing anywhere else in the country? Well…I’m thinking anywhere else is probably lookin’ pretty darn good…