Win, Win, Win! Or Not…

My kids are, first and foremost, the greatest thing I have done with my life. I have to imagine every parent feels the same way and obviously, as parents, we all want our kids to succeed. I’ve read articles about helicopter parents and how our generation is coddling our children and I have to be honest…I’m guilty at times. At times I get involved a lot more than my parents ever did with me when I was 10 or so. Not that my parents didn’t love me unconditionally because they did and they did everything they could do for me at that age however it was a different time back then. Now we know WAY too much. We know to buckle our seat belts. We know to wear helmets. We know to start a savings account pre-birth. We KNOW what happens when we don’t do EVERYTHING the books and the internet and all the experts tell us. And that’s fine. Having more information has got to be better than not having any information at all…right?

So now the idea of being a helicopter parent comes into play when we have situations like we have now. Currently Christopher is back to football. Baseball season came and went and so it’s time to strap on the helmet and go hit somebody. The thing is…well…these kids are BIG now. I mean, in some cases, REALLY big. A LOT bigger than Christopher is and so, being a parent, that is a concern. We tried asking the league to allow Christopher to play down an age group. He only missed the age cutoff by a few days and we thought if he played with the younger boys he might get a chance to play more. That was shot down. So now he’s playing on the Juniors team. A Junior Youth team is also in play which is for kids more his size and age, so he will, more than likely, play on that team. And that’s fine. But in my head, I was kind of hoping he’d play down so he could get a lot of experience instead of the amount of playing time he’s had the last couple years.

But here’s the thing, and this seems to apply with ALL the sports that Christopher has played in the last 5 years…the only one seemingly concerned about this is his mother and I. Christopher seems fine with whatever comes his way. If he plays, he has fun. If he sits, he gets to hang with his buddies and for him, that’s fun. He goes to practices, he works out with his friends, he has fun. At this point, as much as I think he’s being sat too much or that he’s being pigeonholed into a certain position, Christopher himself doesn’t seem to take issue with it. Doesn’t matter how much time he rides the pine or how often he doesn’t get the opportunities that some other kids get, he still loves being with his buddies and playing sports! So…as a parent…I am trying very hard to keep my yap shut and let him do what he wants to do. From that perspective, it makes sense!

Here’s the problem with youth sports today…they begin at such an early age. So many parents are pushing their kids to play at such a high level with AAU teams and with so many leagues and all the options available, it’s a little out of control. I remember when I was 10, I don’t think I played ANY sports. If I remember correctly, I didn’t pick up a basketball until I was in 6th grade (but I’m sure my Mom will remember better and I’m sure she’ll comment on here eventually). So Christopher is WAY ahead of me when it comes to athletic prowess. So for me to be “pushing” him into sports is a non-issue. I don’t “push” my kids to do anything they don’t want to do. And I certainly don’t see the point in taking him away from his friends to play at a “higher” level when it comes to this time period in his life.

I see so many parents who seem to be telling their kids that winning IS everything. In order to be something in life, you need to be the best. Well…I disagree. He’s 10. He’s never gonna be 10 ever again. In MY opinion, I want my son to have fun playing sports. The odds that he’s gonna go big time and be a professional athlete are so small that it is a ridiculous pursuit and one that is completely a parents’ pride at work. For me, I want Christopher and Ava to just enjoy playing sports of any kind. And if they decide they want to play 1 sport? Fine. If they decide they don’t want to play any sports? Fine. If they aren’t the best players on the team but enjoy being with their friends and want to put in the practice time anyway? Fine. I’m all good with any of the above. I think that, as a parent, I should be supportive and hope that the kids take away from sports something other than just the need to win. I would hope, as they go on through their grade school and high school years, that sports brings to them a sense of camaraderie, community and an ability to work towards a goal, even if they don’t fully succeed in the end. Sports is NOT the end all of their lives. I would hate for Christopher or Ava to be the star athlete on their varsity team, win a state championship, go to college and then end up back in my basement, unable to find a job and living on that one moment in their life where they were the “next big thing.” Yeah…screw that.

The thing that pushes me to write about this topic is that there is so many pressures and so many options these days that it’s just exhausting. I don’t want my kids to have the pressure. I don’t want my kids to worry about the options. I want my kids to ENJOY being kids. There are enough pressures in this world and, in time, they will have their own. For me to push them into high levels of competition because of a dream I once had would be the worst possible thing I could do. So I tell my kids…go have fun. And if it’s not fun, don’t worry about it. You can always take up golf.

Right Dad?

Back In MY Day…

Last weekend, Paul Daugherty wrote an interesting editorial for The Cincinnati Enquirer that talked about summer. In it, he compared modern day summer with summer’s past and how different they are. “I remember when I was a kid…” and “Back in MY day…” are 2 common starts to conversations with my kids that I find myself having these days and Mr. Daugherty addresses the vast differences our generation has with this one. Between the constant flow of time and attention, our kids NEVER slow down. Whether it’s baseball practice or violin practice, dance recitals or play dates, birthday parties or pool parties, modern-day kids are USED to the stimulation and they grab onto our (parents) pant legs and they never let go. Are they a product of us? Are we the ones who have decided that our children must be bombarded with over-scheduling and rushing from place to place?

Absolutely.

I don’t know about you, but “Back in MY day…” I had nothing but time to do anything I wanted to do. I lived out in the “boonies” (or in the country, to you city slickers) and in order for me to get to my friends, I had to hop on my bike and pedal about 4 miles to the nearest town and hope there were some guys around who wanted to play basketball for a few hours. Sometimes I’d go the the pool. Sometimes I’d hang out with my best friend. But very rarely did I have my parents to lean on. My dad & mom both worked and ran their own business and I was one of 6 kids. So for them to drop everything to take me somewhere was not gonna happen. So I used my imagination. Much like Daugherty, my days were spent tossing a ball against the house as Fernando Valenzuela worked to get out of a jam in Game 7 of the World Series or I was Magic Johnson slashing to the hoop, slipping between 2 imaginary defenders with the NBA title on the line. I wasn’t in little league anything. I played by myself or with a few of my closest (in proximity) friends and when it got too dark, I came home.

Obviously nowadays, things have changed, as they always do from generation to generation. Today’s generation has videogames on IPhones. They have access to anything they want with the world wide web. My daughter can log on, go to her favorite clothing store (Justice) and order a shirt and she’s only 6! I hate to imagine what would happen if she had my credit card information. And my son can get on his Playstation 3 and connect with his buddies online and play “Call of Duty” (I call it “Smell of Doodie”) and whip up on each other without raising an arm above their heads. And if they get shot? They get right back up and keep on killing. It’s ridiculous.

This generation of parents are known as “Helicopter Parents.” If you “Google” the term, the definition is such on Wikipedia…”Parents, like helicopters, hover closely overhead, rarely out of reach, whether their children need them or not. It is also called “over-parenting.” Parents try to resolve their child’s problems and try to stop them coming to harm by keeping them out of dangerous situations.” And that pretty much describes every parent I know these days. But who can blame us? With all the horror stories about abductions and killings and with information overload we have become as overprotective and as concerned as we can and so our kids suffer the consequences. No longer can I leave a quarter on the nightstand and hope that my 9-year old son can fill his day with his friends in the neighborhood. Now I have to know where he is at all times. I have to know that he is next door or at the pool or at the local baseball diamond and odds are I’ll drive him there in my Traverse with it’s air conditioning and video system on the back of the headrests. Kids today have no idea what “roughing it” means. Not that I think that I did either really. I mean seriously…I can’t remember EVER being hungry or thirsty or in need of anything. My parents took great care of me and allowed me to make my experiences for myself to some degree. But if there was a problem, they were always there for me. Funny thing is…I don’t remember there ever being a problem. Obviously, being a boy, I found myself some trouble from time to time, but for the most part, summer was a chance for me to do whatever I wanted. I’m not so sure that flies today.

So the question comes to mind…do I NEED to be a helicopter parent? Probably not. My son is great and very smart. Is he okay running around here in our neighborhood with his friends without me worrying? Probably. But I do. This morning is the first day of summer vacation for my kids. Christopher is out now, playing on this beautiful day. I have no idea where he went but I know he’ll stay close. Ava overslept and is now watching tv while I’m here writing. I have to go mix up some lunch for the kids before they head out to the pool with some friends. Yes…I will take them there in my air-conditioned vehicle and they will be with several other parents at the pool. This evening Christopher has baseball practice. He has practice a couple times a week. Is this a bad thing? I don’t think so. If I had the chance to play with a group of my best friends when I was a kid, you know I wanted to do it! Ava has violin practice. Is this a bad thing? No…I WISH I knew how to play an instrument. Later, I imagine my wife will gather with many of the parents and cookout or hang out while the kids play in someone’s backyard. Is this different from when I was a kid? A little bit but it’s not necessarily for the worse…it’s just different.

And that’s okay.

Every generation has it’s own way of celebrating summer. Here in my little town, we celebrate by hanging out with one another, having a few drinks while the kids play kickball in the backyard and telling stories of when we were younger. Things are a lot different now and as much as I miss those days back when I was 9, they are never coming back. So here’s to this new generation. I hope they grow up to appreciate all that we’ve given them. As a helicopter parent (not by choice but necessity), I do my best to make sure my kids enjoy their lives not just in the summer but year around and hopefully they will appreciate these things later…much like I do about the things I had when I was a kid. And may the hours, minutes and seconds tick slowly this summer. I want it to last forever…or for as long as I can stand sitting at the pool and soaking in the sun. It’s a tough job being a helicopter parent but it’s one I wouldn’t change for the world. But believe me…I get what Doc is saying and I’m taking it to heart and I’ll remember. Especially when I kick them out of the house and yell at them…

“Ya know…back in MY day…we didn’t HAVE 500 channels and videogames! Now get out there and use your imagination!”

I imagine my kids both looking at me like I’m crazy and ask, “So…what did YOU do when you were a kid?”

And I’ll respond, “Uh…wish I had cable and an Atari?”

And that would be the truth!