How I Feel



Life was a lot easier back then…

Today my sister called me to see how I was doing with Christopher’s first day of school and all. I guess I’m doing fine. Hadn’t really thought much about how I was handling it (it’s a lot quieter around here…that’s for sure!). I have always been more concerned about how my wife and how Christopher will do. I’m thinking both of them are doing just fine. Myself? That’s a whole different story…

First off…I’m fine. Feeling a little older maybe, but I’m okay with that. But I do have many concerns and worries as a parent and a lot of them don’t have to be dealt with immediately, but they are always in the back of my mind, nibbling away at my sanity and insecurities. A lot of them deal with money (how can I afford 2 kids in school? What about college? Should I be saving more? I’m not saving enough to retire!). Some of them deal with my marriage (am I a good enough husband? Am I providing for my family the best I can?). Some deal with my career (do I really want to be doing this forever? Does this job offer enough security for me to do it for the long haul?). And some are just about me in general (Could I be better at fixing things around the house? I wish I could focus more on the responsibilities I have! Seriously…can I make anything else for dinner besides sphagetti?). So I have a few issues to work out. And I think that is okay.

I wish I had all the answers. Some people turn to religion. Others turn to family and friends. In my case, I basically turn to…well…nobody really. With questions such as these, I generally just rely on the fact that as I go through this pathetic little life of mine, I will make the right choices. I realize they won’t always be the smartest ones…and in a lot of cases they certainly aren’t the most popular ones…but they are ones I need to make for myself, and I’m the only one who can do that.

My wife and I have had the discussion of “what is important” many times. And I tell her…”I love you…but you aren’t first on my list.” And she understands what I am talking about. The first thing I think about whenever I make a decision, no matter what it concerns, whether it’s money or otherwise, are my kids. Hands down, the most important thing for me are my kids. If buying something or doing something would ever jeopardize them or the life that I want them to lead, I make my decision based on that. I don’t care if it’s my work or my spare time or the money I spend, the first thing I think about is how it will affect them, and then I make my decision.

After that, I try to base my decisions on how I feel about the decision I am trying to make. I was raised in a pretty strong family. My parents both raised me with a strong moral background. I know right from wrong. Now…I don’t know that I could ever knowingly do something wrong…it’s not really in my nature…but I have done things that might not be considered the smartest choice. And that’s okay, because I have learned lessons by making the dumb arrogant stupid male wrong choice. So now I know. I’ve moved on.

Anyway, today I feel fine. Tomorrow might be a different story. I am applying for health insurance. Trying to get a loan to add on to the back of my house. Got the mailman coming in about 20 minutes and I’m sure he’ll have some bills that need to be paid. Don’t know when I’m gonna get a paycheck to pay for the mortgage (hopefully it arrives soon!). All kinds of worries and not a lot of help making it all work. Everyone has the same situation…just different times and different places. I’m thinking I’m not the only one with these issues…but I just decided to write about them today.

Tomorrow? I’m thinkin’ something along the lines of insider trading and colonoscopies.

Now THAT sounds like a bad decision…


…but it ain’t so bad now either…

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6 Responses to How I Feel

  1. It sucks to be an adult, doesn’t it? We have to pretend to be grown-up and responsible.

    I was never any good at pretend…

  2. bonnieluria says:

    There’s a universality about your writing that covers emotions none of us are exempt from.
    Very tender are the days you see your baby go off to school for the first day and it grows like a seed from there.

    What counts the most, is the foundation you have and the foundation you provide. Sounds like you’re doing all the right things because I can say for sure, that while every little wizmer you buy off a shelf that comes with a manual, including a box of pasta, life does not.

    One of my favorite quotes of Mark Twains’:
    ” I’ve suffered a great many catastrophes’ in my life. Most of them never even happened.”

  3. fjl21 says:

    No advice on work, money or religion. But I can give a few pointers on working around the house: wing it. I just dive in way too deep to back out and then I am forced to finish the job. It may take a few tries and a little pride, but you eventually see how things come together.
    I always laugh when someone really asks for my advice on how to fix something, because I just fake it. Trial and error until it works…. or kind of works. Sounds shotty (is that right?) but still beats paying someone a grand to frame off a room.

    That’s great advice Frank! Remind me to never let you work on my house again…

  4. heather says:

    I’m pretty sure we’re going to be eating canned cat food when we’re old, but my kid will have an expensive education at least.

    No kidding…and I’ll have to share with the 2 freakin’ cats we have in the house already!

  5. Danielle-lee says:

    Being an adult really sucks sometimes. It’s not what we made of it in our heads when we were kids.
    There is only so much we can worry about and control. The rest? Well, what will be, will be. My mom always says ‘It is what it is’, and the older I get, the more I ‘get’ it.

    Oh, and you can always turn to the world wide internet to vent. 🙂 it makes it interesting, right?

    Oh…I’ve been venting all right…but I don’t know that anybody is listening (or reading!)

  6. bonnieluria says:

    Readers 2,3 & 4 are……..:-)

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