What The Heck…My Bank?

This might work better…

So I have an IRA. Many people do. I put money away every year for the future. But I don’t play the stock market. I play the money market and International funds and make a go at it that way. Combining my resources just sounds like a less risky proposition. But occasionally the company that handles my money decides to make changes and I usually get this booklet asking me if I want to participate in some meeting that deals with something that I am sure is gonna be screwing me out of a certain amount of my money. Unfortunately, this “booklet” that they send is written up by some of the highest paid lawyers in the world and I can’t understand a lick of it.

For example…here is just a small excerpt from page 1 of this 25 page booklet. Tell me what you think…

“The purpose of this Special Meeting is to ask you to approve (1) a proposed new investment sub-advisory agreement between the Advisor (the Fund’s investment advisor) and (insert company name here), (2) a proposed new investment sub-advisory agreement between the Advisor and (enter a 2nd company name here), and (3) a “manager-of-managers” structure for the Fund whereby the Advisor, under certain circumstances, will be able to hire and replace sub-advisors to the Fund without obtaining shareholder approval.”

Uh…sounds good to me. Basically they want to hire 2 companies to screw me somehow and then when the DO screw me they don’t want to have to ask anybody if they can do it…they just do it and write up another booklet like this one telling me in oh so many words (probably in Swahilian) that they are screwing me but it’s okay because they asked me a year ago if I wanted to come to their board meeting somewhere in Las Vegas and participate and I declined so it’s not their fault if I lost money and missed the opportunity to gamble more money away and hang out with strippers.

My big question is this. They waste paper on this booklet, right? And they have a group of lawyers come up with all the fancy wording and long sentences and big words that I inevitably have to look up to understand. Why? Why don’t they just say “We are merging our company with 2 other companies who are more suited to screw you out of your money and we don’t want to have to ask anyone if we can do it, we just are. So if you would like to come hang with us and some strippers, please do. But we’re gonna do it anyway somehow, so you might as well just accept it and come enjoy the buffet.”?

I mean…that seems like the better way to do it. That way I know where I stand and I don’t have to blankly stare at this 25 page booklet of lawyer-speak. Seriously…why waste a forest on this stuff. I understand that big companies are gonna make decisions based on what they can get away with. Seems to me that the “Advisor” ain’t happy with the company that it’s working with now so they have decided to reallocate the responsibilities to 3 companies instead of just 1. That means they have to pay for 2 more companies to come on board. That means at some point someone has to pay for it. That means that at some given time, they will find a way to take the money that I have in international funds and such and take maybe a penny here or there and use it to pay the salaries of the lawyers of these other 2 companies so that they can write more booklets to send to me so that I can use MORE aspirin as I get MORE headaches trying to read this CRAP and so on and so forth…

KNOCK IT OFF BANK! I don’t want all this paperwork!!! Just send me a note. Drop it in my mailbox and just tell me what the deal is. If I don’t like it, I’ll invest somewhere else! Geezuz…what a pain in the ass. AND a waste of perfectly good trees.

But the Post Office LOVES it, I’m sure. More work for them! And the lawyers…

Additional Note: In all fairness to my bank, they have not offered an invitation to go to Las Vegas for a meeting to discuss this merger. They have, instead, sent me a ballot so that I may vote on their decision. That’s fair…but I thought the IDEA of me showing up in my flip flops and shorts to a board meeting with a bunch of suits in Vegas made a funnier story. But with all the lawyers my bank employs, I don’t want to get into any kind of trouble and possibly face a lawsuit on breach of interest or something stupid as such. So…there is the truth dear readers….I have embellished for the sake of entertainment. Because not even I could make a story about junk mail from my bank really all THAT interesting…

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1 Response to What The Heck…My Bank?

  1. Danielle-lee says:

    I get these freakin’ booklets every other day, about my ‘investments’ and they are at least 4000 pages long, and none of it makes any sense. It’s all so circular, and I too wish they would just CUT TO THE CHASE, and TELL IT LIKE IT IS. you’re taking my money, i’m letting you, and here’s hoping i make something off of it, not just lose it to you. sooo annoying. And the amount of trees they are killing doing this is so damn annoying too.

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