Notes To Self…

-In the matter of arguments with your wife, it doesn’t matter if you are right. You are ALWAYS wrong. AND… you are an idiot.

-Always take cash. Always use cash.

-As exciting as the Opening Day of baseball is, by the middle of August you will be proclaiming the sport to be the “Game of Satan”.

-Keep “D” batteries in the house for your flashlights. And I don’t care how expensive the damn things are.

-Always, always, ALWAYS take your Garmin or a map with you. Because you have no sense of direction.

-New York style pizza in Anywhere, USA is NOT New York pizza. It’s just thin crust pizza in Anywhere, USA.

-Doesn’t matter how long you wait…the grass ain’t gonna cut itself.

-Don’t shave the back of your neck by yourself. Have your wife or someone help you. Otherwise you look silly with that line of hair trailing down your neck. Oh yeah…and trim your damn eyebrows and earhair already! Ya look like Andy Rooney, for cryin’ out loud!

-If you hear an odd noise resonating from the engine of your car, don’t prop the hood up and look at it. Let’s face it, whatever the issue is, you can’t fix it. That’s why the world has mechanics…and you are not a mechanic.

-Never ever go to the grocery store between 4-6 pm. It’s too crowded and everybody is pissed off for some reason. Go in the morning or late evening. Much better…

-Yes…you WOULD like to look like Brad Pitt in “Fight Club”…but you don’t. So just keep working out to the best of your abilities, lose some weight, add some muscle and don’t worry about it.

-You don’t need ANOTHER remastered version of “The Joshua Tree”. Or anything else by U2 or R.E.M. for that matter. You already HAVE everything!

-On that same note…do NOT go to Best Buy after you’ve gotten a paycheck in the mail. Call the credit card companies FIRST and get your balance. This will ensure that you are sufficiently depressed BEFORE you go gadget shopping.

-If your daughter is speaking to you, no matter WHO you are talking to otherwise, you MUST answer her. Otherwise she will continue to talk and you have only :10 seconds before your wife says “Are you going to answer her or not?” for the 1,000th time today.

-Don’t be offended if no one reads your blog. Would you actually waste 3 minutes of YOUR day reading this silliness?

-Don’t forget to pay your car bill. And your mortgage. And your credit card bills. And your doctor bill that is 3 months late. And your water bill…etc and so forth.

-Enjoy the little things that your kids do now that say that they love you. Because eventually they will grow up and hate you for not buying them the hippest new pair of $200 shoes.

-Do not ever get into a discussion about medical things with a woman…….EVER!

-Every now and then, just let it go. You’ll be doing yourself a big favor and those around you will appreciate it.

-Don’t speak if you don’t have something intelligent to say. In other words…

This entry was posted in My Life, Thoughts, Uh...Dunno and tagged . Bookmark the permalink.

3 Responses to Notes To Self…

  1. well, I know the wife is always right. There’s no doubt about that one!

    Can’t fight it…just have to go with it.

  2. mom says:

    Why are you paying the bills? I have never known a man to do that household chore. Especially since you are hardly ever home. A house with TWO hands writing in the checkbook CANNOT stand. Give it up already!!! Let Steph take care of it. Even your dad asks me if he has enough money in hus account to buy something. If I say ‘no’, then he doesn’t buy it. (For those who read the comments to Alan’s blog: I’ve been a “kept woman” for 47 years, but I take care of the money!!!)

    Did you just say let Steph take care of the checkbook? HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! That’s a good one Mom! Nice! You should go on tour with that kind of comedy!!! HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA! I love it!

  3. Danielle-lee says:


    My daughter does it every day (well, except she says Mom).

    Oh…that’s an every hour occurance! And then if I don’t answer my wife ALWAYS says…”Will you answer her PLEASE???”

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