Making Mercury

Oh how I  love my wife. She has only our children’s best interests in mind. And with Christopher taking part in a classroom play, she wanted to make sure that his costume was one of the best! So for this particular performance, Christopher is playing Mercury…the closest planet to the sun.

A little bit about Mercury: It has no moons. It has no life. It is a barren rock. And that’s it. So not a lot you can do with that description. Right?

Wrong.

Because if Christopher is gonna be playing Mercury, then…by God…he will be the BEST Mercury that ever lived! And so the plan was hatched. All she needed was some basic materials and she was pretty sure Christopher’s outfit would be very fitting for playing such a pivotal role in the universe. And so she went shopping.

Twice.

And then I had to make a trip to the hardware store.

Here’s the story the way I see it. And it’s a given that I have absolutely no idea what is going on. I’ve been gone for a week, so whatever is happening with Christopher at school, unless it’s very important, odds are I am out of the loop. All I know is this…Christopher is in a play. It is Friday. We (meaning “I”…which is my wife) need materials. Okay?

Okay. So she runs out to get materials. Some oval styrofoam thingies and some paint on Tuesday. Christopher sees what she has and disagrees with the choice. So on Wednesday after school they go back out to see what the options might be. And they come home with MORE paint and a big, styrofoam ball that cost way more than it should have.

I am working downstairs (who’s kidding who here? I was on Facebook) and I am called upstairs. My wife needs me to cut this ball in half. Really? But it LOOKS like a planet the way it is. Why would you cut it in half? But she has already stuck a knife into the middle of it, but she can’t get the knife to move. Apparently styrofoam is pretty tough stuff! Well…needless to say, I can’t get the damn thing to move either. So I get the hacksaw. And we saw it in half. (I kid you not! I can’t make this stuff up…). White fluffy stuff is EVERYWHERE! It’s like it snowed in our kitchen!

So now we have 2 half planets and a bunch of paint and some glue. I promptly leave the room. A few minutes later I come back into the kitchen. Both kids are literally punching holes into the styrofoam balls with kitchen utensils. I ask why. My wife replies…”They are making craters.”

Fair enough. I snap a few pictures and leave again. Next time I come in, both kids have their shirts off and are slopping grey paint all over the two halves of the ball. I watched for a little while in wonderment and then left. I wanted nothing to do with any of this.

Finally, after about a half hour, I went back in and saw the finished product. Nice! It DOES look like a planet! So that was accomplished and we have 2 days before the performance! Yay!

Or do we? The next morning, as my wife is reading through the paperwork, it says that the costumes are due Thursday!?! That was that morning! Holy Crap! So she begins to finish the job. She cuts some material and glues it to the back side of the globes. And then she cuts some long strips to hang over Christopher’s shoulders to hold the globes up. And then she glues those onto the back of the material that she glued onto the globes. Much more glue flew and there was glue everywhere and finally…it was done. However it has to dry, right? Well I take Christopher to school and as I walk in the kitchen, she has tried to pick it up and the whole thing has fallen apart. So now what do we do? We’re under the gun here!

Tape.

Tape will work…right? But not Scotch. We gotta have BIG-time tape. Well I don’t have any tape like that laying around the house! So off I go to the local hardware store at 8:15 in the morning. I buy double-sided tape and masking tape, just to be sure. Get home, she tapes it up, I go to the gym and life is good.

Until Friday during the performance and the damn thing fell apart again. But Christopher was a good sport and held onto it. And he WAS the best Mercury ever!

Oh…and would you like to know his lines?

“I am Mercury. I am the closest planet to the sun. It takes me just 88 days to travel around the sun.”

And that’s it.

I would have dressed him up like Freddie Mercury and called it a day. But that is why I am not allowed to dress my children…