And I quote…
Aromatic espresso beans are freshly ground, right before your eyes. Rich chocolate syrup splashes in. Next, luscious milk is artfully poured into your cup. Then comes the irresistible whipped cream, sculpted perfectly. And it’s all drizzled with thick, velvety chocolate. It’s a McCafe mocha masterpiece, made-to-order. And it’s hand-crafted, just for you. Try one steaming hot or over a landscape of ice.
Mmmmm…sounds mighty tasty, don’t it? And I guess it might be. But here’s the thing…this little bit of artfully sculpted writing isn’t for a 4-star restaurant or even Starbucks. This is from a placemat at McDonald’s. And it does sound tasty, right? Velvety chocolate, irresistable whipped cream, rich chocolate, luscious milk. All written very…adjectively. But here’s the thing…you are McDONALD’S. Not Caribou Coffee or Starbucks or any other chain of coffee purveyors. You are basically a chain based on your delicious and not-so-good-for-you french fries. Sure…coffee is great and if you wanna throw it into the mix, that’s fine. Like with your egg McMuffins (which are deliciously delicate with but a hint of rubbery ham) or with one of those egg burrito thingies. But as far as marketing coffee alone as one of your delicacies? Um…no.
Hey…you can do whatever ya want. But here’s my deal…if I want coffee at a premium price (the iced mocha at Mickey D’s is over $3), I sure as hell am not going to McDonald’s for it. I’m not saying it ain’t decent coffee. I don’t mind a cup of joe from the golden arches. And for a buck-fifty, it’s not a bad deal. But for $3.50? Nah. That’s Starbucks /Caribbou/enter YOUR favorite coffee shop territory there. And all the adjectives in the world aren’t gonna change what the product is…it’s basically Maxwell House with chocolate syrup and ice in it. And that’s fine if I’m at home in my jammies and reading the morning paper. But for $3.50 or such, I want something a little more fine-tasting.
So you’re not fooling me with your elaborate writing, Mr. McDonald’s. I’m onto your scheming ways. And thanks for thinking about me with the new coffee products that have taken up a fifth of your menu sign up at the drive-thru. But I’m still not buying it. Coffee is coffee, doesn’t matter how you spin it. And for over 3 bucks a pop…I’ll go shop at the local gas station and get it for $1 or less. Thanks!