Tis the season! Football is right around the corner and Christopher is gonna be playing with the big boys! Well…big enough anyways. This year, my son, my little dude, will be playing in pee wee football! He is VERY excited and everyone keeps telling him how much it’s gonna suck rock and how much fun he is gonna have as he gets pummeled tackled and gets to get his ass killed run the ball and have all kinds of heat induced nausea attacks good times with his buddies. So we have THAT to look forward to! Anyway…this past week his mother (don’t ask) took him to get his pads and such. He was really looking forward to it and I was doing something else at the time (probably clipping my toenails or something) so she decided to take him to get the essentials. The essentials included…
1. Padded tights
3. Shoes with cleats
4. a mouthguard
5. A cup
Of those 5 things, all of them fit and were of importance to us. However the most fascinating of all of them to Christopher was, of course, his socks.
JUST KIDDING! Seriously…the kid could have played with that damn cup all afternoon! He put on his tight padded tights and then tried putting in his cup. There was a little pouch for him to put it in so he and his mother (don’t ask. I still don’t know where I am at this point) attempted to put it in the pouch. Of course, this was all very embarrassing for my son, but he went along like a trooper, trying to figure out what to do and how to make it fit.
Needless to say, he didn’t like the fit. So then he came and asked ME (hey! There I am!) which way it was supposed to go. With the pointy part up? Or down? Because Mom had put it in the pouch with the pointy part down and it didn’t feel right. So being the knowledgable guy that I am, I told him to flip it around and see if it felt better the other way. Seemed like a pretty basic response…right? Because here’s the deal…
I’ve never worn one.
That is true. I have never, in my 40 years, worn a cup. Oh sure…I’ve done the “Luke…I am your father…” bit with one. I forget who suckered me into THAT little bit of guy comedy years ago. But I have never had to rearrange the furniture to get the thing comfortable. I played golf, cross country and basketball my entire high school career. No baseball. No football. So what would I know about a cup? Nevertheless…I tried to impart some knowledge about something I had no knowledge about to my son, who was now looking to me for guidance. And the best I could do was…”Flip it around and see if it fits better???”
I am a lousy football father. Of all the football I have seen. All the football stadiums I’ve been in. All the pro athletes I’ve met. At no point, anywhere in ANY stadium anywhere in this country, is there a sign telling me which way is best to wear a cup. None. Not that I’ve looked…but I’m gonna go out on a limb and say none have been posted. So…I dunno. And now I feel like a failure. If he’d have asked me what a tackle does…I could have told him. If he asked me what a QB sneak was…I could have drawn it up for him. If he had asked me where the water bottles were located…I probably could have found them for him. But the positioning of the cup? Nada.
So which way is it, oh ye team internet? It didn’t say on the box and there were no directions included. It just came with an appropriate age and a yellow cup. Actually…I’m kinda curious to why the damn thing is yellow? Couldn’t they have made it a cooler color? Like blue or green or maybe have flames shooting off it or a skull face or something? But I digress…
So which way is it? Pointy side up? Or pointy side down? Because I dunno and the first practice is next Monday. I don’t want the poor kid to get out there and have his privates get all caught up and banged around in his first day of practice! So I need YOUR help!
I thank you…and let’s not tell him we had this conversation….okay? Thanks…