So I asked for suggestions on blog topics a few days ago. The only one who actually gave me a specific topic was my sister who is going through a breakup right now with her husband. I haven’t been around to help her in any way because we live in different places, but I understand it has been very hard on her. So her question was this…
“How do you handle divorce when you don’t want it and how do you get over the pain and move on?”
And THAT is a damn good question. Here’s the deal…I’m a divorcee. I was married for the first time in 1995 and we ended up getting an annulment 2.5 years later. Our marriage didn’t last for several reasons that I won’t get into here, but needless to say…it just didn’t work out. So…that happened and I moved on. The difference between what my sister is going through and what I went through is that I wanted out of my first marriage. She didn’t. So I am really not sure how to answer my sister’s first question because, quite frankly, I was the bad guy in my relationship. I was the one who walked away…so I can’t honestly say that I know how to handle a divorce when you don’t want it. Obviously, there are 2 sides to every relationship and both individuals have their own feelings about things, so when one starts feeling unattached, there is probably very little the other can do to make things better. Not that there can’t be something done, it’s just that sometimes TRYING to make the other love you can backfire. Sometimes it’s a fine line to walk where you want to make your other happy but he/she just isn’t in that place. So you have to deal with that situation.
Now…as far as the pain is concerned, THERE I can help because, believe it or not, I thought about my first wife every day for almost 3 years after the annulment. I had feelings of guilt and anxiety over my decision. There was always that thought that I could have worked harder. That maybe I should have tried a little a little bit more to make everything come together. But you know what? Moving on was the best thing I could have done. I ended up marrying my wife now. We have two wonderful children, a nice home, my career is great and things have definitely been for the better.
So that is my answer to you sis…keep your chin up. I know it doesn’t feel like it, but things WILL get better. And once the heartache goes away, there will be someone else there, waiting to pick you up and willing to make life look so much more colorful. There IS someone out there for you…but maybe you just haven’t found him yet. So keep looking and never let what happened in this relationship get in the way of what COULD happen for you in the near future. Because allowing this situation to control your life would be the worst thing you could do. You are a very strong woman. I know…I have seen it firsthand and it is one of your most amazing traits. You pick yourself up very quickly and you dust yourself off and you move ahead. And that is what you should do here. And as soon as possible.
I hope this has been helpful in some small way. I love you and I’m thinking about you. You are one of the strongest members of our family…but if you ever need an ear…you know I’m always here.
Love you sis!
I have also been divorced and I know how hard it is. By the end though, I wanted out because I just couldn’t take the emotional abuse anymore. But I was still sad that I couldn’t change him, or control the situation. A friend of mine was also getting divorced, which was something he didn’t want, and he sent me a copy of some self help book with hints on how to stop a divorce, even after the papers have been filed and so on. The only thing I can remember from it was one way of getting your spouse to look at you differently and to possibly change their mind is through jealousy. If you let them think you are seeing someone else, that you aren’t affected by the divorce, sometimes they will realize they don’t want you to be with someone else, and try to reconcile. I wasn’t interested in getting back together with my ex – but the jealousy thing did work. I actually did start seeing someone else, and as soon as he heard about it, he was suddenly willing to give it another try. That wasn’t why I did it though, I was just trying to move on. It was a slow process but it eventually happened, and I am remarried to someone who is more than I could have hoped for, after such a miserable first marriage. I’m sure there are books or websites that can offer some advice on how to change your spouse’s mind, if that’s what your sister is hoping to do. There may be some perspective that she hasn’t thought of.
This is very sweet. Good brother. Best of luck to your sister.
Alan, thanks so much!!! I am just so lonely without him, i would rather be home fighting with him , yes i am nutts!! It just sucks because he neve really even tried to save our marriage at all, i know that right there should tell me he is not worth all this pain, but i cannot controll the way my heart feels, and i am sure in time i will be ok,just wish it would happen before i wake up tomorrow LOL!!! I want to move ahead but it is hard when you dont know where to go or what to do,I just keep praying for god to show me the way!! I LOVE YOU AND THANKS!!!
Thankyou also Heather!
What a sweet post. I wish your sis the best and you sound like an awfully good brother.
And PS. I am totally willing to be vacation testers with you 🙂
I haven’t been down that road (knock on wood) but I think realizing you DESERVE to be with someone who wants to be married to you is a huge step forward when going through that.
I hope sis arrives on the other end of this happier and in a good place.
I am sorry for the pain your sis is going through. I agree with the other commentors: you deserve to be with someone that will love you and fight to make things work between the two of you.