What The Heck…Pennies?

Find a penny, pick it up. And all day your day will suck.

I realize that for many, many years, there has been a money system in place here in our country. You have dollars and cents. The coins are basically quarters and dimes and nickels and silver dollars and half dollars and…pennies. I’m not sure, but I vaguely remember there being a petition at some point to do away with pennies because, quite frankly, there’s no need for them. 1 cent nowadays holds absolutely no value anywhere. Used to be, you could buy gum balls or a newspaper or a glass of lemonade or any number of things with the copper coin. It had VALUE. Nowadays…ya can’t buy a damn thing with a penny and the only way it has any value is by collecting a large number of them. Otherwise, the only thing pennies are good for is to clutter up that coin collector in your car or to toss into that cool circle thing at the mall which is like a black hole and you can watch it spin & spin & spin &…


Anyways…so yesterday a penny totally ruined my day. Not that I was having a great day to begin with, however a penny basically took my day and COMPETELY ruined it. Allow me to tell the tale…

I got off work last night and was walking to my car when I got a text message. “Listen to your voicemail and call me” it said. This is basically my wife’s way of telling me there is bad news and she needs to warn me that my head might explode and she wants it to happen BEFORE I actually talk to her. So I did. And the message went something like this…

“You daughter swallowed a penny. I am taking her to the hospital for x-rays. Call me when you get this.”

Obviously there was more to the message but you get the idea. So my first inclination was to laugh. I mean…it’s a penny, right? Ava didn’t fall 3 stories and break a leg, she wasn’t kicked in the face at the playground, she hadn’t suffered head trauma when she got her head slammed in the car door by her brother. Nothing like that. She basically ate…a penny. So I chuckled. Then I got thinking about it…and the conversation in MY head went something like this…

“Oh no! I hope she’s okay! Wait a minute…THE $@%#$ HOSPITAL???”

And the rest was all dollar signs. Because our insurance, like most Americans, really sucks. So my mind immediately drifts to money whenever a doctor or a hospital is concerned. And I’m not talking pennies…I’m talking hundreds, possibly thousands of dollars. So immediately I feel my temperature start to rise, my blood pressure spiked and then my head blew up all over my car. So I had to get THAT taken care of…

And then I called my wife. Turns out, Ava was fine. The x-ray found the coin in her abdomen and it should pass…eventually. We need to watch her and if there is any pain we are to take her back to the hospital where they can charge us again for their miraculous services. Ugh.

So let it be stated right now, that if MY daughter has any kind of medical issue due to a penny, I will sue the government of the U.S. of A. for keeping these damn things in circulation. They serve absolutely no purpose anymore. They are a waste of a ductile metal that we, as a culture, could do without. Round up, folks! It’s a lot easier! And it makes fiscal sense. Not CENTS! I said “SENSE”. We don’t need these vile coins laying all over our sidewalks and taking up space in jars across our country! Do away with the penny, America! And then our children will be safe…finally…from this horrible, horrible element. And I won’t have to worry about my daughter ever again.

At least…not until she decides she wants to find out what a $20 bill tastes like…

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6 Responses to What The Heck…Pennies?

  1. what is it about kids eating pennies?? My little sister ate one when she was three. I remember mom brought the x ray home and you could just make out the outline of Lincoln’s head.

    What followed was ten days of rubber gloves and poop play…

    have fun with that.

  2. Oh, thank God she is OK! Best of luck for the next few days while you’re waiting for that penny to make a reappearance…

    I seriously don’t understand some of the finer points of the US health care system, as we’ve got universal free health care here in Australia. But I can completely understand feeling ridiculously stressed about the potential expense of something as odd, but essentially simple, as an x-ray to check if everything is OK after your daughter has swallowed a coin. Hope it doesn’t end up costing you an arm and a leg, my friend.

    And for what it’s worth, we did away with 1c and 2c coins here in the early 1990s, but our 5c coins are still pretty tiny. Our Government really should’ve thought about coin design a bit more thoroughly, in view of this post…

  3. WOW, I am glad she is ok! But what a great post! 🙂

  4. fjl21 says:

    Screw coins all together!! Everything should be rounded to the nearest dollar.

  5. mom says:

    Boy! What memories you two have (ATL and FJL) They tried to do awaywith the penny when we had the Blue Bell and again in the ’90’s. However, if you didn’t give SOME people every last cent, and I mean EVERY PENNY in change, they argued so badly you woud have thought we were trying to rob them. If their change was 4 cents we were to give them a nickle. That worked out okay. If it were 3 cents or less we were not to give any change. Just the dollars we owed them. That’s when they started hollering. So, until you can get people to give up their change of 3 cents or less, the penny will remain in production. A word to the wise, I don’t know any kid—you six included—that has not swallowed a coin. Just remember–this too will pass. You don’t even need a doctor to tell you that! Love….mom

  6. Pingback: Ava Turns 5! « A Round World Through Square Glasses

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