What The Heck…Santa Claus?

C’mon dude…

Santa…YOU are a bad influence. Oh sure…you come down the chimney (breaking & entering?) and leave toys laying under the tree (psychotic disorder?) and we’re supposed to be all happy about it. But according to THIS study by Monash University, you got some issues and kids would be better off without you.

According to the study, you’re a fat lush who needs to get out of the sleigh every now and then and get some exercise. Apparently you are making our kids fat with your image plastered everywhere ! They see you, eating cookies and smiling, all happy and fat, and they think THEY can do it also. So now YOU are sending a bad message, Mr. Claus. You’re like Tiger Woods…except you’re fat instead of cheating…or something like that…

Also…you’re habit of swigging a round or two of brandy on the job? Not making your case any easier. You go out, drinking and…uh…flying (?) and someone COULD get hurt. You never know, after throwing a couple back, you hop into that sleigh and fly right into the Empire State Building, sending debris and glass all over the sidewalk below. People could get killed! And nevermind those little elves who are hanging on for their lives, swinging off the back of the sleigh! Uh hellooooo…what are you thinking?!?!

Also, apparently in other countries, it is not unusual to see Kris Kringle brandishing a pipe. Smoking promotes a very unhealthy lifestyle, Mr. Claus. You should be ashamed of yourself! What are you thinking, smoking a pipe in front of thousands of little foreign children all over the globe? You need to take a hint from America (or, at least, California & Ohio) and give up the cancer sticks. Get yourself on the patch, fatboy, and break these nasty habits!!!

Obviously Santa is out to ruin our children. He’s sending a bad message but it’s been hidden deep behind all the “OTHER” messages during the Christmas season. His image is nothing but an “A-Okay” for your kids to go get fat, get drunk and get cancer. Next thing ya know, he’s gonna be wearing a greasy white tank top and beating Mrs Claus with a golf club! So I think it’s about time we all stand up and give the fat guy his pink slip. No more putting up with this kind of debauchery! Santa has been taking advantage long enough!

Thank you Monash University! Without you, we would still be blind to the atrocity that is Santa Claus! I am gonna start the movement here in Kentucky. Who is with me?!?! C’MON PEOPLE! Our children’s lives are at stake!!! Take a stand and write your Congressman. Tell them Monash University sent ya. And if they don’t get on the ball and banish the diabolical evil that is Santa? We shall march to Washington and DEMAND our voice be heard!!!

Right?!?! Wait…why is everyone being so quiet?

He’s standing right behind me…isn’t he?

Nuts. Back to the “Naughty List” I go…