What Can I Tell Ya?



Blurry & grey. Yep…that’s me.

I’ve been busy. Really busy. I’ve been really busy and stressed out. I haven’t been home at all this summer. I’m worried about everything from money to…well…money. My kids are growing up more & more each day and every day that I’m away, I get a little bit more anxious. I feel as though my life isn’t mine anymore and now I’m just a robot, going through the motions and not really allowed to recharge my batteries. It’s odd because a lot of people would LOVE to have my problem. Too much work? Is that possible in these days of poor economy? Maybe not. But the fact of the matter is…I’ve been treading water for over 4 months now without a lot to show for it and it’s starting to drag me down. It’s getting too hard for me to be a worker and a father and a husband and all the other things that are required of me. I feel myself shutting down and I’m just hoping that once this month is over…once I get through the next 30 days…I can have a little “me” time. Some time to work on my yard. Some time to spend with my kids. Some time to repair what damage all of this has done to my relationships with my wife and friends. Some time to go to the gym. Some time to not feel stressed. Some time that isn’t filled with responsibility and constant movement.

Confusion is the state that I am living in right now. I’m confused because the things I have are things some people crave and yet…I find disarray. I have the things I need…but the things I need don’t seem to be working for me right now. Things are in place but scattered in my heart and head. I can’t seem to find where I’m supposed to be and I’m going a little bit insane. Is THIS what everyone is going through? I can’t possibly be the only one with these issues.

But I have no one to blame but myself. For many things. I guess, in a way, I am getting what I deserve. I realize this is all very cryptic but for some strange reason this feels like a payback and I had it coming. Guess I’ll just keep swimming upstream and see where it takes me. Sorry if this seems sort of down and unfocused but it’s the state I’m in right now. So to my family, who will undoubtedly read this, I am fine. Just feeling overworked and under-appreciated. To my many friends who I have spent ZERO time with this summer, I miss you and can’t wait to see you again. And to myself, who has been trying to be laughing on the outside but now find that even THAT smile is starting to wilt a little, I hope that I can find me again. I feel like I’ve been gone too long and I can’t wait til I figure out what I’ve been doing while this other asshole has taken my place. Most aren’t going to have any idea what I’m talking about…but I know. I feel it within myself…and I’m not happy about me.

But I’ll figure it out. Been here before and I’m sure I’ll be here again. We all have these moments, don’t we? Let’s just hope this time, the cards all fall back into place because it seems like a few are starting to fall off the table…and that’s gonna make the game a lot harder to play in the long run.

Peace.

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5 Responses to What Can I Tell Ya?

  1. Life is hard sometimes. Hang in there – I hope you get some time to relax soon!

  2. My wife and I just went through a rough spot, because I am feeling the EXACT same way. Now, I realize I don’t have the same responsibility you do, but what I have is weighing heavy on me. I am wearing down and feel like I have no one to turn to, since I’m always “Mr. Happy-Go-Lucky”. I’m the guy everyone else calls to unload on… but who do I call, when I need to vomit helpless emotions for my own sanity? I empathize with you, though I can’t understand the extent of your woes.

  3. ruth ann says:

    Oh no, made me cry!!! Being in a rut really sucks. You have such a great wife and loveing kids, everything will work out for you. Prayers are with you big brother. Love You!!!!

  4. Mel says:

    I feel for you. I think I know how you feel. I hope things are improving.

  5. Teri Layton-Crookshank says:

    Awesome blog, cousin! It’s neat to see that we share so many things in common; a love for writing, need to communicate deep feelings, and, unfortunately, a feeling of self-loss.

    I don’t know the root cause of these feelings. Is it the age we are at? Is it mid-life crises? Is it the kids growing up too fast, our bodies slowing down? I wish I knew! But I do know that taking time for yourself, time to introvert and reflect on life, or just to “be” and live in the moment helps tremendously. My family doesn’t understand that, but sometimes I just have to take that time to feel “whole”.

    I also find that having a daily relationship with God makes a big impact. I completely understand the “non-practicing Catholic” thing, though my dad doesn’t approve. That is why I left the Catholic church to find one that just teaches what the bible says. It was so freeing to be released of all the guilt and rituals and just go to the Man Himself! Consider that, seriously.

    At all appearances, the life you live is charmed; a beautiful wife, gorgeous kids, a terrific job you love, travel all over the country to places many will never get to see, meeting so many famous people…. I read about your travels and your life and find myself jealous often, but appearances aren’t everything, are they? You must feel it within.

    I send you love and prayers, cousin! I’m searching for the answers, too. If you find them, will you let me know?

    Love you,

    Teri

    Life is what we make of it. This summer I made an error and overbooked myself. Sometimes when opportunities present themselves, its hard to say no. That being said, I worked way too much for such a short period of time and managed to burn myself out. But I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel and I’m hoping this weekend will go far in getting my inner self back on track! But I appreciate your concern and I agree that an occasional prayer and self-reflection goes a long way. As for being jealous of me…well…without knowing exactly what you do for a living, I can say this…with every job there are ups & downs. I love that I get to travel and if I screw up on my job, no one dies. But it has taken its toll on my life and it can be exhausting. So…just to let you know…it definitely has its downside. 🙂

    Love you too cuz!!!

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