I’ve been busy. Really busy. I’ve been really busy and stressed out. I haven’t been home at all this summer. I’m worried about everything from money to…well…money. My kids are growing up more & more each day and every day that I’m away, I get a little bit more anxious. I feel as though my life isn’t mine anymore and now I’m just a robot, going through the motions and not really allowed to recharge my batteries. It’s odd because a lot of people would LOVE to have my problem. Too much work? Is that possible in these days of poor economy? Maybe not. But the fact of the matter is…I’ve been treading water for over 4 months now without a lot to show for it and it’s starting to drag me down. It’s getting too hard for me to be a worker and a father and a husband and all the other things that are required of me. I feel myself shutting down and I’m just hoping that once this month is over…once I get through the next 30 days…I can have a little “me” time. Some time to work on my yard. Some time to spend with my kids. Some time to repair what damage all of this has done to my relationships with my wife and friends. Some time to go to the gym. Some time to not feel stressed. Some time that isn’t filled with responsibility and constant movement.
Confusion is the state that I am living in right now. I’m confused because the things I have are things some people crave and yet…I find disarray. I have the things I need…but the things I need don’t seem to be working for me right now. Things are in place but scattered in my heart and head. I can’t seem to find where I’m supposed to be and I’m going a little bit insane. Is THIS what everyone is going through? I can’t possibly be the only one with these issues.
But I have no one to blame but myself. For many things. I guess, in a way, I am getting what I deserve. I realize this is all very cryptic but for some strange reason this feels like a payback and I had it coming. Guess I’ll just keep swimming upstream and see where it takes me. Sorry if this seems sort of down and unfocused but it’s the state I’m in right now. So to my family, who will undoubtedly read this, I am fine. Just feeling overworked and under-appreciated. To my many friends who I have spent ZERO time with this summer, I miss you and can’t wait to see you again. And to myself, who has been trying to be laughing on the outside but now find that even THAT smile is starting to wilt a little, I hope that I can find me again. I feel like I’ve been gone too long and I can’t wait til I figure out what I’ve been doing while this other asshole has taken my place. Most aren’t going to have any idea what I’m talking about…but I know. I feel it within myself…and I’m not happy about me.
But I’ll figure it out. Been here before and I’m sure I’ll be here again. We all have these moments, don’t we? Let’s just hope this time, the cards all fall back into place because it seems like a few are starting to fall off the table…and that’s gonna make the game a lot harder to play in the long run.