I’ve been spending plenty of time at the airport here the last few months and I can say that if you are going to see the best and worst of human nature, that’s the place to be a witness! The airport is stock full of stories to tell and lots of people watching. And I’ve been doing my share of watching and learning. So if you’ve been at your local airport lately, you can pretty much bank on the fact that you’re being watched…and I’m learning a few things…
10. You are unable to pull the trigger.
Standing in front of the magazine rack, pondering whether or not you wanna spend that $5 on the latest Cosmo. Little do you know that you are blocking the way of 4 other people who wanna get to the men’s section so they can scan the covers of Playboy & Penthouse without actually “looking.” I know this only because they are located right next to “Spin”…so I can’t help myself.
9. You need your space: Part 1.
The overhead bins are a free-for-all and you are the last one on the bus. Too bad, right? Aw hell no! You can MAKE your overstuffed luggage fit…right?!?! Cram it in! Slam it in! And don’t you give a thought to the laptop bags that you are slamming into. That equipment can take it.
8. You really have no idea WHAT you want to drink at Starbucks.
You’ve been standing in a line for 10 minutes and the second the woman behind the counter asks you, “What would you like?”, you stare blankly at the menu on the wall. Maybe a little early planning is expected here? Just a smidge?
7. You THINK you look cool with that Bluetooth phone but actually…
Watching you talking to yourself while waving your arms here and there and stomping around while avoiding rollerbags and other pedestrians is easily the most hysterical thing I have ever witnessed. Bravo to you, Mr. Corporate VP! And that blue flashing light sticking out of your ear IS pretty cool in a geekboy, futurama sort of way…
6. You’re NOT in First Class but you think you are.
How many times can they announce “1st Class Only Please” and yet…there you go…trying to weasel your way on early. Why? Why the hurry? Can’t you just relax a tad and remain seated until your section is called? Geez…some people are SO rude!
5. You don’t like exercise.
The biggest pet peeve I have about the airport…the moving sidewalk. I know I’ve mentioned it before but it stands to be mentioned again: MOVE…YOUR…ASS. It’s a SIDEWALK! Not a people-mover! GO ALREADY! Or at least get outta my way!
4. You don’t understand the pretty, bright signs.
Those big signs with all the pretty letters and numbers on them? Those are the arrivals & departures for the day. Your flight is probably on there. Don’t know where you’re going? Take a deep breath and move aside so I can see because you’re driving me a little nuts and I gotta find out where my next flight is.
3. Women have no idea what the exit row is.
I can honestly count on 2 fingers the number of times I have gone on the internet, changed my seat to the exit row and sat next to a woman. Women don’t understand the exit row. It’s first class without the free drinks! But women don’t get it. So I ALWAYS sit next to some dude who…well…wait for it…
2. You need your space: Part 2.
I know the planes are getting smaller while we are getting bigger (trust me…I ain’t tiny), but the sheer amount of space some people are taking up on planes these days is annoying. If I’m sitting near the window…I CAN’T GO ANYWHERE! So you GOTTA give me SOME space?!?! For crying out loud…I paid for my seat too! I deserve a little room! Maybe an inch to breath? Please?
1. You have anger management issues.
I understand your flight has been canceled 3 times and you have missed your board meeting that was yesterday…but do you honestly believe they care? Of course not. They already have your money and they are laughing all the way to the bank as they bill you for luggage and drinks and whatever else airlines can charge you for. It’s a joke! And YOU are the punchline! As soon as you understand this, the better off you will be. So simmer down now and go get a drink at the bar. It’s gonna be a long day…might as well not overheat quite so early…