Seeing as how I am lucky enough to get to work at Augusta National, the home of a little golf tournament known as The Masters, I usually ask my friends & family members if there is anything they might want that I can buy while I’m here at work. My Dad likes hats and shirts, my Mom wanted a visor and some coffee mugs, a few friends have requested things in the past. But this year, I offered up a request to my brother. He then proceeded to hit me with THIS list…
1. A divot from a fairway.
2. A used range ball.
3. A quart of water from Ray Creek.
4. A lock of Angel Cabrera’s chest hair.
5. Any Sunday tee marker.
6. A picture of Jack Nicklaus drinking an Arnold Palmer.
7. Firethorn berries from #15
8. A picture of Anthony Kim pointing at his driver shaft and laughing.
9. A picture of any woman wearing a members jacket.
10. Video of Andrew Catalon saying my name on air.
Needless to say…as I went out on my scavenger hunt, I ran into a few difficulties.
1. There are NO divots at Augusta. There are only scratches in the earth’s surface where the professionals graze the pristine greens and fairways of the holiest of places.
2. I raced onto the practice tee, looking frantically for a shag ball while running from the Augusta security team only to get nailed in the back of the head by a Tiger Woods slice. You owe me bail money Frank…
3. I fell into the creek and almost drowned while the jug floated downstream. My return trip back to my workplace was not a happy one.
4. We all know that to cut Angel’s manly chest fleece would, like Samson, ruin his super golfing abilities. I couldn’t do that to the man. Especially since he wears that protective chest plate under his green jacket to bed every night. Hey…I tried…
5. It ain’t Sunday yet.
6. Jack doesn’t drink Arnold Palmers. Has something to do with product placement and Jack wants to market HIS new drink, “The Golden Bear-ly Beer.” But apparently Arnie drinks John Dalys! Who knew?
“Hey Gary…you need a cool drink?“
7. This seemed to be the easiest of all the requests until I arrived at Augusta to hear that the famous Firethorn tree had fallen. Don’t know if it was due to the weather or if someone had unceremoniously cut it down before I could get to it but I guess we’ll never know.
8. There’s a story here but I am gonna go out on a limb and say any man laughing at his shaft has some serious problems. Just sayin’.
9. There are a lot of opportunities to find women wearing green jackets at Augusta. Unfortunately most of them are in their 70’s and can be found drinking pink lemonade in the shade during the Par 3 Challenge.
10. I dunno about video of Andrew Catalon saying your name on air but I KNOW I could get Ian Eagle to give you a shout out into my IPhone! Not only is he our announcer at Amen Corner but he is a great guy and has a wicked sense of humor! But somehow I don’t think that’s what you’re looking for…
Needless to say, this list is a bust. Besides…I’d like to keep my job for one more year. However I am involved in a pool at my workplace though and I took Tiger to win it all! Just hope he keeps those slices to a minimum. And if he wins I’m gonna go get my brother a gift he’ll never forget. Those Augusta National yellow golf tees sure do make some nice Christmas stocking stuffers…