What The Heck….Kohl’s?

Oh how my wife LOVES the Kohl’s. The excitement on her face when she receives that 30% / 40% / 50% discount coupon in the mail EVERY WEEKEND is the happiest I see her all week. I think it is safe to say that getting that coupon in the mail and then being at the store and seeing even MORE discounts is to any woman what a really great round of golf  is to a guy…it’s just SO AWESOME!!!

So it is much to my dismay when I see a receipt that essentially says this…

TOTAL: $205.60    TOTAL SAVED: $395.95

Seriously Kohl’s? Is THIS how you roll? Because that, in a nutshell, is CRAP!

Look…I know that businesses are suffering right now and that they are trying every way possible to get us into their aisles and shopping again, but the psychological warfare that they are bringing is unfair and unwarranted.

First…let’s look at what is happening here…

The woman is receiving a coupon in the mail that says she gets a discount. IMMEDIATELY her endorphins start to rush to her head. It’s that “feel good” feeling that prompts her to get into her car and go to the store. Then, once at the store, she sees all the clothes and frames and bras and kids wear and men’s socks and the signs that say “Biggest Sale Of The Season!” (which Kohl’s has EVERY FREAKIN’ WEEKEND!) and the endorphins are kicked into an even higher gear and soon the women are wandering the store like zombies, foam dripping from their mouths, looking for ALL THE REALLY GREAT DEALS and they know…THEY JUST KNOW… that they are saving SO much money that we, the men, will appreciate what they are doing and so they shop because they have the coupons and the discounts and the red tags and so they are SAVING us money…right? RIGHT?!?!?!

So they shop and they get the bags full and the carts full and when it’s all said and done they ONLY spent $205.60 and they SAVED $395.95! What a great shopping experience! Oh the RAPTURE!

“Look honey! We SAVED $395.95! What a great day! The savings! Yay us!”

Uh…yeah…but we (and when I say “we” I mean “she”) spent $205.60. Soooo….how is THAT saving us anything? That’s $205. Not $5. Or $5.75. It’s not even $20. It’s $205?!?!

I think this is all a big set-up by our wives. Kohl’s is an accomplice to a spending crime here and I’m putting them on trial but really it’s a women conspiracy. I see how this is all going down actually. Because you just KNOW what this does…right? The next time she’s in Target and she spends the prerequisite $110 that ALL women spend at Target EVERY TIME THEY GO IN THE STORE…they can now say…

“But honey…I ONLY spent $110 at Target! Aren’t you glad I didn’t go to Kohl’s?”

Yes, my love…I guess I am…

Suuuuuure it is…

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4 Responses to What The Heck….Kohl’s?

  1. barb says:

    Yes it is a conspiracy, you are right but what can you do to change it? Just go with it, and everyone will be happy!!

  2. Jim says:

    I’m just glad they haven’t decided to start carrying a full line of sporting goods.

  3. Amber says:

    This is why I only go to Kohl’s during holiday season or when i actually need something specific. I know I will spend too much money because Kohl’s is AWESOME!!!

  4. Marketing 101. Kohls has figured it out. They’ve taken the retirees too, as my father its an addict as well. He will call me and say “I found this shirt, or these pants… etc.” and they’re 50/75/80 % off, what size do wear? I’m all like, I have enough of everything. Stop it already! My mother will do the same with consignment shops. Ugh…

    Great write up Alan.

    kohls are the pushers and out significant others and parents are the addicts.

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