What The Heck…Weeds???

Pretty! Right?

Summer is the best time to get to know your yard. We plant and we seed and we tend and we try our best to keep our yards manicured and conditioned and seeded and watered and after all is said and done?


You have to understand that I understand weeds. I mean…here is the villain of the plant community. The outcast. Trying to grow in places where he is not welcome and so he’s just trying to get out into the world and make his life a little better. Can’t fault the little guy for that…right? So who’s to say that weeds are evil?

I took the time to look it up (on Dictionary.com, of course) and the description of a “weed” is this…

1. a valueless plant growing wild, especially one that grows on cultivated ground to the exclusion or injury of the desired crop.
2. any undesirable or troublesome plant, especially one that grows profusely where it is not wanted.

So let me get this straight. In order to be considered a “weed,” the plant only has to be undesirable? Let’s say I have a bunch of petunias in my front yard and around April they grow and the petals open up and they look all pretty and such and then one day…DUH DUH DUH…the ugly weed decides to rear it’s ugly head and manages to grow somewhere in the center of the flowers and because of this he is considered the evil cousin of the beautiful tulip? And because of his ugliness we seek to destroy him, ripping him out of the ground or spraying him with a chemical that would melt the face off of a small animal?

And all because he’s “undesirable?”

Well then…I’m changing my opinion of the weed then because I’m ALWAYS down for the underdog and here’s the way I see it…

The weed, as ugly as he may be, is the strongest plant of ALL the plants. Think about it…not only does he grow in places that no one would dare plant a tulip, but he THRIVES under all conditions and continues to grow even after being ripped from the ground (and I should know because I’ve been ripping these %#$^$* sons a b%$#^& out ALL FREAKIN’ SUMMER AND THEY WON’T DIE!!!!!!!)…ehem…

or having been sprayed with vile weed killer chemicals (which I’ve also done and it doesn’t seem to matter because the god$%#&$& thing WON’T DIE EVER!!!!!!!!).

…Sorry ’bout that…

Anyway…so I have an all new opinion about weeds. Actually…I’m rethinking my entire garden structure at this point. Seriously…why bother with all these other plants that need to be tended to and babied and watered every day and have to be coddled and sprayed with plant food and so on & so forth. Why not praise the mighty weed for what he has accomplished? Like crabgrass? This stuff grows EVERYWHERE. Not just in the plant beds but on the patio and in the concrete and in the gravel. You find me a piece of earth and I’ll be damned if crabgrass won’t grow there! Or how about the dandelion. Oh the dandelion…such a small beauty. So pretty with it’s yellow plume, sticking it’s head out of the grass, hoping to be loved by some small boy who picks it to give to his mother in hopes that she’ll buy him that new toy that he wants. And don’t forget the white, fuzzy weeds that you can pick and blow and they scatter into the wind, seeking other lawns to populate with a new crop of weeds. I’m sure your neighbors will thank you later!

So let’s not disregard the weed.

Seriously…if it’s working this hard to survive, ya gotta give it credit. I mean…if an alien race were to come down out of the sky and land in my yard and see me in my backyard and decide…”Ick. What is THAT? I must destroy it!” and then picks me up and rips my head off, I ain’t coming back folks. But not weeds! Those little mother%$#&%  just keep right on growing and growing and it doesn’t matter how many I pick or spray or kick or dig them out of the ground, they just keep right on growing right back and not only that those little %$#&$ MULTIPLY and then my ENTIRE YARD is covered in crabgrass/dandelions/weeds/little white blowy thingies and DAMMIT I JUST WANT MY YARD TO LOOK AS GOOD AS MY NEIGHBORS YARD ACROSS THE STREET!!!! I SWEAR…IS THAT SO %$#$& WRONG?!?!?


I give up. You win weed. Here’s hoping there’s a nice, long winter ahead and then I won’t have to worry about you for maybe 5 or 6 months. But I know you. You’ll be back.

I hate you weed. But you sure are a persistent SOB…I’ll give you that.

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2 Responses to What The Heck…Weeds???

  1. mandy says:

    Love this post! I have utterly failed to control the crabgrass this year, and am about ready to just tear everything up and make a nice zen rock garden. Oh, and the little white blowy things are just dandelions making babies Alan.

  2. You sound like my father. And I am sounding more and more like him every day:)

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