Dear Mr Sciatica,
Hello there. How are you? I see you’ve decided to make a return visit after I thought I had gotten rid of you a little over 4 months ago. Look…I realize that you and I are gonna have to learn to get along but so far, you’ve been nothing but a royal pain in my ass. No offense or anything, but if you’re gonna continue to keep showing up at the most inappropriate times (usually right before I go on a LONG road trip) then we’re gonna have to work out a deal or something because, quite frankly, you’re getting to be a little bit of a nuisance.
First off, let me just say this…I understand that I have had a pretty good life so far. I’ve had my way with you, not stretching before playing basketball or working out, not bending at the knees when lifting heavy objects, etc & so forth. I also know that I’m not the most flexible person and so the fact that you have decided to pay me a visit doesn’t surprise me one bit. And the fact that I sit on my butt all day at work, usually 8 or 9 hours at a time, with very little stretching or moving around, I’m not the least surprised that you’re a little upset with me and so you have decided to pay me back in spades. I get it. I’m not saying I don’t understand where you came from. What I AM wondering though is how or why you’ve chose the past week to hold up court on my backside, shooting pain down my right leg anytime you damn well please? I’m in the middle of 2 long weeks of work and travel and so you just decide to show up the week prior to the Super Bowl and give me fits? Nicely done there, Sciatica.
You know…I had almost 3 weeks off (except for weekends) there after Christmas…you couldn’t have decided to drop in then? Because then I would of had time to address your needs. But now I’m stuck in Indianapolis with nothing but my family doctor-prescribed drugs (seriously…what the hell is Hydrocodone and does it do ANYTHING to stop pain like this? Or how about Cyclobenzaprine? The names are impressive but their ability to stop pain is about the equivalent of downing 3 aspirin), a heating pad and my zap pack (electric stimulation is my friend). And I’m staring at a schedule that will have me sitting for hours on end and I gotta tell you…I’m a little worried. I don’t know how long I can continue to down these meds (that DO NOTHING) and zapping my hind quarters with a 9 volt and hope that I can handle the pain that you supply endlessly.
So if you don’t mind, please back off just a bit because people are starting to stare at me. I’m working a high profile event here and I’m limping around like The Gimp and I have cords from my zap pack tucked into my pocket and I’m sure I look highly suspicious and the last thing I need is to be gang tackled by a security agent named Biff who is just looking to go off on someone simply because he’s bored of standing out in the cold for 15 hours.
Make you a deal…you lay off for the next 6 days and I’ll promise to take care of you first thing next week. Because for the next 2 weeks I only have 1 day where I have to work but the rest of my schedule? Wide open. You and I can chat then about visitation rights then, mmmmkay? Thanks!