Today I was gonna go home to visit my family and see how large my sister has gotten. She is due in a couple of months or so to have her first child. A little boy is on the way to join our family and I couldn’t be more excited! It seems strange to me that my BABY sister is having a baby herself, especially since she IS the youngest and obviously has NOT been having sex. But enough with that topic. The weather is all crappy and I just don’t feel like driving 5 hours today (2.5 down, 2.5 back) and I was gonna save this for later, but now is as good a time as any to fill her in on how her life is about to change. Those of you with children can follow along and agree or disagree with me. Either way, she will be getting all the facts and will have ample time to prepare for being a new mother!
10. Sleep? Don’t worry about it. You’ll have plenty of time to sleep in 20 or so years…
9. If you thought you were having a shitty day before, wait til you have to change what is gonna be coming out of that child’s butt!
8. There is nothing better than the smell of a baby’s head. Which goes without saying because it is the farthest point from his butt.
7. Get used to cooking at home because the minute you go OUT for dinner, he will cry. Which also happens whenever you want to:
- Go to the bathroom
- Read a book
- Watch television
6. You will find that you have this unending need to protect your child. Don’t worry…once he begins to talk, all that goes away and you can’t wait for him to sleepover at his friends’ house.
5. If you breastfeed, it will be painful at first. Then it’s just uncomfortable. And then you won’t want it to end. And then you’ll want another child. Be careful with that last part. (Of course, this has been told to me by several mothers who breastfed. I have not breastfed and have never tried. I just wanted to clarify…)
4. Anything you enjoyed when you were without child is now gone. Do not attempt to bring a “pre-baby” lifestyle into the “post-baby” world that you will soon live in. It doesn’t work. And if you DO try to do it, be warned…the baby will not like it. Trust me. And the one thing you do not want is a pissed off baby. Seriously.
3. There’s a sex joke (or lack thereof) in here somewhere…but I think I’ll save that for another time.
2. It does not matter how many handy wipes you use or how often you wash your hands, the baby is gonna get sick. That is how it builds up its immune system. So be prepared to be sneezed on, barfed on and pooped on. Always wear old clothes that you wore back in the 80’s. You’ll never tell the difference with acid wash jeans…
1. It honestly and truthfully is the most amazing, life changing event you will ever have. Enjoy every second of it because time passes quickly. It won’t feel like it at first. At first, time will stop and you will be tired and miserable and you will be angry because the baby won’t…stop…crying! But it all ends and life will resume soon enough. Love your child with your every being and you will never be the same. Oh…and be nice to your husband. He didn’t give birth, but he is just as freaked out as you are (if not more!). And he loves you unconditionally. Your first baby is the greatest thing you will ever experience. Everything leading up to this is secondary.
Enjoy it, Baby Sister. We love you more than you know and we can’t wait to meet your new miracle!!!
“The decision to have children is momentous. It is to forever decide to have your heart go walking around outside of your body.”
– Elizabeth Stone